From the collection of the

7 n

__ _ ni

o Prelinger
v Jjibrary

San Francisco, California
2006

RUNNING A HAPPY FAMILY

Running a Happy Family

HOW YOU CAN APPLY WHAT BUSINESS

HAS DISCOVERED ABOUT MANAGEMENT AND

HUMAN RELATIONS TO MAKE AN EFFICIENT

HOME AND A HAPPY FAMILY

Henry and Elizabeth Swift

ILLUSTRATED

THE JOHN DAY COMPANY
NEW YORK

1960 by Henry and Elizabeth Swift

All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, must
not be reproduced in any form without permission.
Published by The John Day Company, 62 West 45th
Street, New York 36, N.Y., and on the same day in
Canada by Longmans, Green & Company, Toronto.

Library of Congress Catalogue Card Number: 60-5651
Manufactured in the United States of America

Contents

Foreword 7

i Talking, Listening, and Understanding 13

ii Conducting an Interview 31

in Correcting Other People 50

iv Giving Orders and Assignments 65

v Getting Things Done Through Others: 81

Delegation

vi Keeping the Family Informed 101

vn Holding Family Conferences 120

vin Planning for the Family 140
ix Family Development: Guiding, Coaching,

and Advising 164

Suggested Additional Reading 181

Index 185

Foreword

The chief purpose of this book is to point out to parents
that certain human-relations skills and techniques cur-
rently being taught and used in the business world may
also be helpful at home. Application of these skills has
lagged behind in the home, despite the fact that they
are based on common sense and on sound theory.

The widespread attention being given by business
and industry to management training and develop-
ment led us to the writing of Running a Happy Family.
In the business world, millions of dollars are being
spent to teach everyone from foreman to president how
to be a more effective manager or supervisor. Some con-
cerns have worked out extensive programs of their own;
others send their men to colleges or professional schools,
or call in management-consulting firms. These activ-

7

8 Running a Happy Family

ities form the most significant development in the field
of adult education in many years.

Parents of young children well know the total dis-
integration which can occur from time to time in the
average household, no matter how devoted to one an-
other its members may ordinarily be. We believe that
the methods of dealing with people which are now be-
ing used in business can be taken home at five o'clock to
benefit those people about whom we care most— our
own families.

Some parents may object that they do not have time
to learn new skills or to read about methods which seem
so obvious. And yet most of them do manage to find
time for nagging, scolding, and cajoling their children.
By using a more constructive approach, they could in
the same time or less produce superior results, and
could teach their children ways of getting along with
others which would benefit them throughout their lives.

This book is not a psychology text, nor is it a treatise
by experts in human relations. It is not an attempt to
show all the right ways— or The Only Right Way— of
influencing human behavior. We know that you cannot
run a home like an office. Much of the highly trained
efficiency and technical methods of the business world
are neither practical nor desirable in the home. But just
as the typewriter or office stapler can sometimes come in
handy for a domestic project, so can some of the simple
pointers from books, articles, and courses that are aimed
at the business world. We do not propose these skills
as a substitute for Tender Loving Care. On the con-

Foreword 9

trary, we are convinced that a warmer, closer family
life can result from using these ways of eliminating
familiar sources of misunderstanding and irritation on
the part of both parents and children.

The ideas presented in this book do not work for
us all the time. Sometimes we forget to apply them, and
sometimes we are in no mood to do so. But we have
found that an awareness of good and bad ways to deal
with our children and an increased interest in analyz-
ing what has gone wrong have been of tremendous
value to all the family. Without offering the book as
a panacea, we hope that at least an occasional difficult
home situation may be resolved as a result of reading
these pages.

H. S.
E. S.

RUNNING A HAPPY FAMILY

Jerry Marcus, American Legion Magazine

'What's the matter with you these days? You used to be
so much funl"

I

Talking, Listening, and
Understanding

r RANK AND MARY STEVENS are eagerly waiting for the
school bus to arrive with their children, Philip and Kate.
It is a beautiful afternoon in early June, and they are
cheerful and smiling with anticipation. Let us watch its
arrival and see what a mess these nice well-meaning peo-
ple can get into with their children.

For over a week Frank and Mary have been planning
a big surprise for Philip and Kate. With the orchards in
shape after a lot of hard work, it now looks as though
Frank can get away for a couple of days for the first time
since early spring.

Enter Philip and Kate.

"Hi, kids! How was school?"

"Good."

13

14 Running a Happy Family

"Fine."

"How would you like to pack up your things right
now and head up to the lake for an overnight camping
trip?" The children's eyes open wide, but neither one
speaks.

"Well, how about it? Won't it be fun to go camping?"

Philip is obviously torn. "Gee, yes, but. . . ." (The
classic youthful response. Beware when you hear this
one, Father!)

"But what?"

"But our class picnic is tomorrow. I told you ages
ago."

Kate chimes in, not even doubtful: "And I'm going
to Cindy's for lunch and the movies."

Philip is ten, and the class picnic is Very Important.
At eight, Kate does not get to see many movies, and
her favorite television star is playing.

"But we'll have a whole weekend of picnics! And
wouldn't you rather go camping than go to an old
movie?" (Possibly, Mother, but how do you like to
change your plans in sixty seconds? Not many children
are as flexible as all that.)

"This is a wonderful chance for us all to really enjoy
the woods. We've borrowed the Blacks' tent and sleep-
ing bags. I've arranged with Uncle Peter to keep track
of things here, and Mother has been knocking herself
out all week to get everything ready. You ought to be
pretty pleased at a chance like this. It may be the only
time we can go all year."

This is not the best possible start for a weekend of

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 15

camping pleasure. Our fond parents have assumed that
the children would want to go camping, and have gone
ahead without consulting them or checking on their
plans. And why not? they assume. We know what they'll
enjoy. j

A little more arguing ensues, but Frank and Mary
are too persuasive for the children to hold out much
longer. The movie and the class picnic are by-passed
(but not forgotten) and the Stevens family heads for
the woods. Let us listen in again as they arrive at the
chosen campsite.

Frank makes the opening pronouncement: "Okay
now, Phil. You get out the tent and I'll show you what
to do."

"Oh, I know how to do it. I put one up at Pete's
last year."

"Well, be sure the stakes are firm. . . ." Frank shouts
a stream of instructions over his shoulder as he turns
to help Mary with the cooking equipment. Philip hears
none of them, his mind and ears closed as he struggles
with the ropes and tries to remember how it went last
time at Pete's. He is so sure that he knows how to do it
that there is no need to listen to his father.

Frank is busy with the next project. "Here, Kate,
you can help me with the fire. First get a little piece
of paper, and I'll get the wood."

Kate darts off, and returns with a scrap of newspaper,
about three inches square. "Here's the paper, Dad. Can
I help light it?"

16 Running a Happy Family

"Do you think I can light a fire with that little
piece?"

"But you said a little piece." (Talk your way out of
that one, Father.)

Frank finds more paper, grumbling at her lack of un-
derstanding as he tries to instruct Kate in fire building.
How do you get kids to know what you mean, anyway?
They never seem to get it.

Twenty minutes later Frank returns to check on
Philip and the tent. Philip is not in sight; the tent is
still a tangle of ropes, stakes, and crumpled canvas.
"What's the matter here? Where's Philip?"

Philip is sitting behind a tree, whittling a stick for
cooking hot dogs. "Here I am. You want me, Dad?"

"I sure do. Come here. Look at this tent! I thought
you were setting it up. What about it?"

"There's something the matter with it."

"I'll say there is. It's in a worse mess than when you
started. Why didn't you tell me you didn't know how
to do it?" (That's easy. He was afraid to.)

"But I do know how! I did it at Pete's. This old
tent . . . There must be something the matter with it."

"Nonsense! There's nothing the matter with the tent.
There's something the matter with you, if you ask me.
Saying you could do it . . ." Frank scolds on. By now
he is hot and tired himself, and takes out his exaspera-
tion on Philip, finally ordering him off to sit on a
nearby rock while he puts up the tent himself.

Mary comes along, unaware of the argument between
Philip and his father. "Why don't you go for a swim,

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 17

Phil? It's hot." Philip has been smarting from what he
considers an unjustified scolding. He takes off for the
lake at the run. When Frank catches sight of him, he
explodes like a warm bottle of soda.

"Where's Philip going? I told him to stay right here!"

"But I told him he could go for a swim, Frank. It's
hot."

"I know it's hot. I'm hot too. But he's being pun-
ished!"

"Well, why didn't you tell me?"

Let's cut the camping scene right here, and see
whether Frank has as much trouble getting his ideas
across to other people as he has to his own family. The
camping trip is an interlude in Frank's busy life as a
fruit grower. He is considered to be one of the county's
most up-and-coming young farmers, because he has stud-
ied both the business side and the scientific side of
farming. Frank knows how important the human factor
is in running an orchard, just as it is in any business
enterprise.

Not long ago, for example, Frank and his brother
Peter had to set up the schedule for spraying the fruit
trees. The two brothers run the orchards together, along
with three regular helpers and a number of extra work-
ers who come in at busy times. In working out the tim-
ing for the spring spraying, Frank and Peter looked
over the calendar together, and called in their helpers.
They consulted with all of them to see whether starting
the spraying the following week would conflict with

18 Running a Happy Family

other chores or personal plans. Talking it over, they
agreed that by starting on the following Monday, with
subsequent sprayings to follow at regular intervals, the
whole job would be done by Memorial Day. When
everyone's questions were answered, the calendar was
marked and posted on the door where it could be easily
seen by all the workers. Frank would never commit
himself, his brother, and their men to a full season's
schedule without discussing it with all of them. He
knows better than that.

He also knows how to set up the spraying project in
detail for the men who are working for him. If a newly
hired worker says "Oh sure, I know what you mean!"
would Frank leave it at that? Not Frank. He knows
better than that, too. The new man might use weed
killer instead of insecticide. Frank goes over every step
with his men; makes them review the proportions after
he has given them; makes absolutely sure they are
thinking in the same terms. Furthermore, he would
never use such a loose term as "a little spray" or "a few
trees." He has learned to specify exact quantities to the
men who work in the orchards. He has even learned to
overcome the language barriers that are encountered
with some of the itinerant workers. Several of them
speak almost no English, but Frank makes every effort
to make sure that they understand what is expected of
them. He knows how important that can be— in the
orchard.

Whatever the problem or the project in the orchards,
Frank tries hard to keep information flowing back and

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 19

forth in both directions. He and Peter keep their men
informed of plans at each step along the way. They also
welcome suggestions, questions, and comments from the
men. They know they could not run a successful fruit
business if the men were afraid to tell them of broken
equipment, quotas not filled, or deadlines not met.
They greet all reports, bad or good, with understanding
and constructive comments. It all seems so logical as
part of running a business enterprise, whether the
product is apples or machine tools.

Logical or no, it does not seem to occur to Frank
that the same principles might also work well on the
home scene. For that matter, now and then nothing
quite works out on the home scene. Let us return to
the campers for one more look. A swim and supper
helped solve most of their difficulties, but there is one
last hurdle before the moon rises and peace descends.
Who is going to sleep where? Philip wants his sleeping
bag under the big pine tree. Kate has been counting
on scooping out a snug spot on the beach. Mary and
Frank think everyone should be near together, within
hearing distance. Everyone is tired. Who will make the
decision? Frankly, we give up. We know of no tech-
nique guaranteed to solve amicably a dispute between
tired children at bedtime. It is one of the insurmount-
able barriers to communication— fully eight feet high.
Our only suggestion is to flip a coin and hope for the
best. They will have to quiet down eventually out of
sheer fatigue.

20 Running a Happy Family

DO'S AND DON'TS OF COMMUNICATION

DO'S:

1. Keep Everyone Informed. In planning a family
venture, consult everyone who is involved— ahead of
time and at every step along the way. By neglecting to
include Philip and Kate in the plans for their camping
trip, their parents ran the risk of spoiling their pleasure
in the whole weekend. On his job, Frank was careful to
consult with all the other men and to be sure all under-
stood the spraying plans.

2. Encourage Suggestions, Questions, and Observa-
tions. Keeping the door open for all comments, however
unimportant they may seem, will improve morale and
keep everyone alert. Frank knows that he could not run
an efficient farming enterprise without such contribu-
tions from all the workers. But sometimes he forgets
that his children can contribute bright ideas which will
help the whole family, even though they are "just kids."

3. Make Sure you Have the Other Person's Full At-
tention. If he is too absorbed in something else, make
an effort to break through or wait for a more opportune
moment. Philip's mind was closed to his father's sug-
gestions while he struggled with the tent. Frank would
recognize this situation if a farm worker were trying to
start a balky tractor. He should try to do the same with
Philip.

4. Make Good Use of Appropriate Aids to Communi-
cation. Calendars, telephone message pads, bulletin
boards, can be of great help in an attempt to keep the

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 21

family informed. The spraying schedule was posted in
an obvious spot for all to see. Too bad the date of Phil-
ip's class picnic was not given equal prominence— he
would have appreciated it.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Let a Mechanical Language Barrier Block
Communication. Whether the difficulty lies in interpre-
tation or knowledge of the language, it is important to
recognize this barrier and make a particular effort to
overcome it. Frank works hard to make sure that his
itinerant workers understand directions. He should do
the same at home, and not lose his temper when "a little
piece" means something quite different to Kate from
what it means to him.

2. Don't Treat Everyone the Same When Passing on
Information. Differences in age and experience provide
different requirements as to what each person needs to
be told. On the farm, Frank knows that his migrant
workers need more instruction than his regular helpers.
He would do well to remember this when giving in-
structions to his children on how to set up camp.

3. Don't Let Fear of Reprisal Interfere with Commu-
nication. Try to have an understanding and construc-
tive approach to reports on mistakes, losses, or damage.
Philip retreated rather than tell his father that he was
unable to manage the tent after all. If Frank's apple
pickers are not afraid to tell him when something has
gone wrong, surely his children should not feel any such
fear of their father's criticism.

22 Running a Happy Family

4. Don't Try to Solve Serious Problems When All
Are Overtired. Timing can be all-important. Fatigue
and the emotions it produces constitute one of the most
substantial barriers to communication and understand-
ing. Frank was too hot and tired to see Philip's disobedi-
ence in its proper perspective. He would not discipline
a farm worker at the end of a long hard day of spraying,
although this is a difficult rule to remember at home or
at work. In fact, solving the sleeping arrangement prob-
lem amicably was all but an impossibility!

* * •

Communication represents the primary tool for ex-
changing ideas, and for effecting behavior changes and
development. The fundamental problem of dealing
with people in business, at home, and in the community
is one of mutual understanding. The term communica-
tion has been used too loosely and too frequently— to
the point of becoming a fad. But the importance of
getting ideas across to family, friends, neighbors, trades-
men, and business associates cannot be overestimated.
Proper communication includes more than the tech-
niques of speaking clearly, posting notices, and keeping
people informed through similar mechanical aids. It
represents a complex network of meaning, a continuous
process of telling, listening, and understanding.

In this chapter we are discussing the importance of
communication to the family, with emphasis on the
barriers which may be involved, and how to avoid or
overcome them. We believe that with the exception of
problems of health, most of the difficulties arising in the

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 23

home are due to faulty communication. These may in-
clude a general lack of understanding; failure to keep
one another informed; misinterpretation of each per-
son's role in the family; the inability to listen; or failure
to appreciate individual differences.

Problems of understanding continually arise within
the family. We may think it unnecessary to spell out
simple precepts, and assume that we are showing our
children how to behave by our own good example.
But are they always able to understand our intentions?
We enjoy watching the two-year-old mimic our every
move and word, but recognize that at his age he can-
not understand what he is doing. For different reasons,
the same may apply to older children, right up to voting
age— or beyond.

Life can be made pleasanter for a great many families
if parents will recognize problems of communication
and keep them in mind when they try to analyze why
things go wrong at home, and why their children be-
have as they do. Even if they cannot solve all their
problems in this manner, life will seem more bearable
if they can learn to recognize what causes them. Most
people are willing to spend considerable time and
money to obtain an answer from a doctor rather than
have an unknown illness gnaw away at them. But they
overlook the fact that minor irritations of day-to-day
family relations which are allowed to go undiagnosed
and unattended can also interfere with normal enjoy-
ment of family life.

Even with proper communication in the home, there

24 Running a Happy Family

is bound to be some strife within the family group. The
twins will still fight; and Mother will have to raise her
voice occasionally. But the more the family members
talk to one another; the more they confide in each
other; the more they know and understand about the
other members and their various points of view— the
happier all will be.

With frequent indications of interest from their
parents, children grow more willing to talk over their
problems of school or play. We do not mean that every
innermost thought or teen-age secret should be blurted
out at the supper table for all ears to hear, but just that
too many unexpressed thoughts— hopes or fears, likes
or dislikes— can lead to a grim and silent atmosphere.

Close relations among all members of the family re-
sult in well adjusted children who feel secure in the
family group. If you will look around at the families
you regard as happy and relaxed, the chances are that
you will find they are families that make a real effort
toward proper communication in their homes.

Fewer misunderstandings occur when the lines of
communication are always open. If children are aware
of family objectives and know the reasons behind the
things they are asked to do, they will be able to improve
their performance of daily chores and come closer to
their long-range goals, such as satisfactory school grades.

There are numerous obstacles in the road to good
communication. Individual differences of age, person-
ality, and experience, for example, create barriers which
require careful consideration. The atmosphere in the

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 25

home, or, as the businessmen say, the climate, may be
another barrier to expressing ideas, effecting changes, or
simply being heard; children in an emotional state,
overtired, or hungry cannot respond normally, no mat-
ter how hard Mother may try to suggest a little picking
up before supper.

Drawing by Stan Hunt, © 1958 The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.

"Jim, you must stop referring to the children as
personnel."

The relative status of various members of the family
is part of the communication atmosphere, favorable or
otherwise. The inevitable barrier between parents and
children is not unlike that between supervisor and sub-
ordinate. It is difficult for a child to treat Father as "one
of the boys," no matter how close their relationship may

26 Running a Happy Family

be. For that matter, no parent really wants to occupy a
position in the family identical to that of his children.
Even though you have tried hard to be a pal to Junior,
he may have justifiable reservations about telling you
all his secrets.

Fear or lack of security may affect the atmosphere in
the home. If children are worried about punishment,
they may be reluctant to tell parents of lost or broken
toys and tools. Or they may fear criticism of things they
do or say to a point where they are afraid to communi-
cate at all. It is up to parents to pay adequate attention
to such fears, and try to maintain an atmosphere which
will invite discussion of new ideas, of things which
might be considered taboo, or even of the most unpleas-
ant subjects. Your child's imagination needs encourage-
ment, not ridicule or criticism.

Most parents have worked out some policy on com-
munication, whether they realize it or not. Their policy
may be, in effect, to have no policy at all; they may wait
until the need arises before deciding what to say or do.
Such an unsystematic approach, however, can lead to
tension and unhappiness. Children like to know about
family plans in advance. They prefer to hear good and
bad news from their parents rather than from others.

Certain mechanical hurdles must be overcome to in-
sure good communication. These include the lack of
facilities in the average home to help jog Father's short
memory or that of the preoccupied child. A place to re-
cord past and future family activities is essential, such
as a calendar or bulletin board. A businesslike approach

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 27

to keeping track of future dates, meetings, and family
events will avert the crisis which may occur when Billy
announces at noon that he has been invited to a birth-
day party at two o'clock. A message pad and pencil left
conveniently near the telephone may capture the mes-
sages that often escape young minds for hours or days
after your return home.

Family communication will also improve if you es-
tablish definite times of the week to discuss plans or re-
view school papers. Many business firms rely on a
monthly meeting of directors or a weekly departmental
meeting for discussion of past and future actions. In the
home, similar scheduled meetings may yield dividends.

Choice and use of words constitute a major mechani-
cal hurdle in the family, just as they do in the business
world, where much attention has been paid to problems
of semantics. Parental suggestions and orders are misin-
terpreted with infuriating frequency. In Please Don't
Eat the Daisies, Jean Kerr quotes her son in a classic
example: "Well, if I put all my things in the wash, I'll
have to put my shoes in and they will certainly break
the machinery."

The question of interpreting teen-age jargon is more
specialized. It should not be necessary to learn a whole
new language in order to understand your children, but
only to have an appreciation of the fact that there are
differences in how various members of the family speak
and how they interpret what others say and do.

If there is no clear communication policy, children
will often play one parent against the other in an effort

28 Running a Happy Family

to get one to say "yes" when the other has already said
"no." Or one parent may block the other to the extent
that youngsters feel that they cannot "get through."
Some of these situations will arise regardless of what we
do, but it should not be difficult to work out a way for
Mother and Father to keep in touch with each other.
An established chain of command may help. Mother
can be the final authority on what clothes to wear, for
example, while Father handles the financial questions.
An aggravating barrier can be overcome by establish-
ing such channels, as long as they are simple ones, and
not formal enough to be frustrating.

A poor choice of time and place for family consulta-
tions may be a source of irritation. Orders shouted
through the shower curtain do not always make sense or
produce the anticipated results. And Junior will not
respond well to being asked while he is surrounded by
people at the church fair to please do a better job of
washing his ears next time.

Some barriers to communication can be avoided en-
tirely with a little thought, while others, already estab-
lished, can only be overcome through conscious and
continuing effort. Mere willingness to communicate is
not enough. Someone has to take an active lead in co-
ordinating and controlling the whole process.

Here are three simple pointers which may be used to
avoid breakdowns in communication:

1 . Encourage a review of what has been said. This in-
volves more than just accepting a direct quotation. Ask
for an interpretation of your meaning. You may be sur-

Talking, Listening, and Understanding 29

prised at what you get back. Whenever it seems appro-
priate, encourage a written review. Lists of chores to
be done, books to be read, or the itinerary of a trip will
be better fixed in young minds if some notes are taken.

2. Invite participation through questions and sugges-
tions. Silence on a child's part may mean merely that he
is thinking of something else, not that he understands
and agrees with what you have said. Ask him what he
thinks and how he feels about your ideas. Make it a
two-way conversation, not a monologue.

3. Try to see the other point of view. This is a major
requirement which we will touch on in greater detail in
subsequent chapters.

Where barriers already exist, they must be identified
and analyzed if they are to be overcome. Even after an
argument has started, it should be possible to pause
long enough to figure out whether the misunderstand-
ing is a result of faulty communication. If you recognize
this to be the problem, say so. You will find that taking
the blame off the children or your spouse and placing it
on a third party, communication, will help ease the
stress of the moment. It may even settle the argument.

Review the problem as soon as possible after recog-
nizing its existence. With the barrier already in view,
look below the surface facts for the real reason why
things went wrong. This will permit not only settling
the immediate issue but also seeing how to avoid mak-
ing the same mistake in the future. Sometimes the
analysis of a simple problem will lead to a change in

30 Running a Happy Family

patterns of family behavior that have always been
troublesome.

Throughout the process of overcoming communica-
tion barriers, it is important to be pleasantly co-opera-
tive. A harsh approach may cancel out any benefits to
be gained by analyzing the problem. Try to see the
other's point of view. Have a broad outlook rather than
a narrow or grudging attitude in admitting your own
mistakes or accepting the fact that others were wrong.
Think of how the three pointers listed above might have
been applied, and of what you can now do to improve
matters.

In this chapter, we have discussed communication in
a general way, together with some of the communica-
tion skills which may prove useful in the home. In the
chapters which follow we will consider in greater detail
such specific communication activities as interviews;
giving orders, assignments, and instruction; giving and
getting information; discipline and correction; praise,
encouragement, and advice.

II

Conducting an Interview

No ONE COULD MISS the fact that eight-year-old Jeff is
tired and cross when he pushes open the front door. His
father hears his protesting voice even before he comes
into sight, and retreats deeper behind his newspaper.
Jeff's protests grow louder as he enters the living room.
"Those kids from down the street wrecked our fort!
Hey, Dad, you know what? Those jerky kids . . ."

Mother pokes her head in from the kitchen to greet
Jeff: "Supper's almost ready, so please wash your
hands."

But Jeff is too wound up in his story to hear her.
"Listen, Dad, those big kids tore down our fort and we
didn't do anything. It's not fair!"

Father emerges briefly. "Well, there's no time to talk
about it now. Supper's almost ready. Look at those
shoes! You've got mud all over everything."

31

32 Running a Happy Family

Jeff takes off his shoes without interrupting his tale
of woe. "We just don't think it's fair. Somebody oughta
tell those kids . . . who do they think they are, any-
way? Think they're such big shots!"

Mother calls again from the kitchen: "Wash your
hands, everybody. The potatoes will get cold."

"Listen, Dad. Larry and I had this good fort all
built . . ."

Father reappears from behind the paper to interrupt
Jeff. "Oh, it was just some old boards, Jeff. You can
build it up again tomorrow."

Jeff's voice rises to an indignant squeak. "But it was a
good fort! We worked all afternoon on it. They'll just
do the same thing again tomorrow." By now Jeff is
shouting, and jumping up and down in fury. "They're
awful! I hate them!"

The volume forces Father into paying attention.
"Well, were you bothering them?"

"No, we weren't. Larry and I were just working away
on our fort and along they came. They're always
after us."

At this point Jeff's sister Nancy enters. Nancy is
twelve, and feels very superior to Jeff and all his prob-
lems. "Personally, I don't blame them for being after
you. You're always spying on them and wrecking their
things. How about when you swiped their bench?"

Jeffs turns on her, sputtering. "We did not. You don't
know anything. You just like them best, that's all!"

This side issue is too much for Father. "All right, all
right. I can't settle these things. You'll just have to

Conducting an Interview 33

learn to get along with the other kids, Jeff. Don't come
bothering your mother and me with all your squab-
bles."

"But it's not fair, Dad! They beat us up all the time,
and they're much bigger."

Mother pokes her head in again, but forgets about
the pork chops when she hears this remark. "Yes, they
are. They really act like bullies. Honestly, Robert, I
wish you would do something about it."

Growing anxious about his supper, Father hastily re-
verses himself. "Okay, Jeff. If they keep it up, you tell
them I'll fix them. Now go and get ready for supper!"

This may be the end of the matter for the evening,
but you can be sure it is not the last of it. Jeff remains
uneasy, dissatisfied over not having really convinced
anyone of his position, and knowing that there will be
more trouble tomorrow. Mother and Father are a long
way from agreeing on the wisdom of parental interfer-
ence, and neither one of them has learned enough
about this particular incident to know whether such in-
terference is warranted. What could have been an ex-
cellent opportunity for Jeff to air his grievance, and
for one or both of them to advise him on the whole
question of neighborhood relations, has been wasted.
It really is too bad, particularly when we know that
Father would never allow such a thing to happen dur-
ing his eight-to-five existence at the department store
downtown. He has been trained in interviewing for his
work in the Personnel Department there. Is it possible
for him to bring some of that training home with him

34 Running a Happy Family

at five o'clock? We think so. As proof, let us take a look
at the household next door.

Larry Brown is equally tired and cross when he comes
home with a protest identical to Jeffs. His father has
just settled down with the paper, too, as the youthful
voice invades the room.

"Hey, Dad, those big guys down the street broke
down our fort. ..."

Larry's mother enters: "Supper's almost ready, Larry.
Please wash your hands and get ready."

But here the picture changes as Mr. Brown speaks up.
"Just a second, dear. Larry and I were going to take a
minute or two to talk about the fort, then he'll be
ready. Right, Larry?"

Larry nods; Mother retreats; Mr. Brown looks at
Larry attentively. When Larry resumes the tale of the
damaged fort, his father says nothing until he is fin-
ished.

"Well, Larry, that sounds like a tough one to figure
out. I think we ought to talk some more about it. But
let's get supper out of the way first, then we'll really
have time to put our minds to it. Okay with you?"

Larry reluctantly agrees and goes to clean up. When
his mother hears of this arrangement, she promises to
keep his twin sisters out of the way.

From his business experience and training Mr. Brown
has learned some lessons which he finds he can apply
at home. Just as he would never try to settle an office
dispute at ten minutes of five, here he has immediately

Conducting an Interview 35

—almost automatically— realized that the before-supper
interview is not the best time to settle anything. After
giving Larry his attention long enough for the boy to
blow off steam and tell him the general nature of the
problem, he then sets the stage for a constructive dis-
cussion when the atmosphere will be more favorable
and they can talk without interruption.

After supper, Larry and his father return to the quiet
of the living room while Mother and the twins clean
up the kitchen. Mr. Brown puts Larry at ease with a
casual reference to a picture in the newspaper, and takes
a minute to discuss it. Then, with Larry sitting beside
him on the couch, he leads off with a question designed
to start the boy talking again.

"Now, about the fort, Larry. What happened, any-
way?"

Larry starts to talk, and Mr. Brown shows an evident
interest in hearing the whole story— no hiding behind
the newspaper for him. Food has had a calming effect
on Larry. Matter-of-factly he tells of the older boys who
knocked down the fort he and Jeff had built out of
boards. "They're just a bunch of bullies, Dad. I wish
you and Mom would do something." He pauses, look-
ing hopefully at his father.

"You'd like us to do something, Larry." Mr. Brown
senses that there is more to the story. He encourages
Larry to stop and think about what he is asking by re-
peating the boy's last words. He then looks expectantly
at Larry.

"Well, we're always having trouble. . . ." Larry pauses.

36 Running a Happy Family

"Trouble? What kind of trouble?"

"Last week they chased us away from their fort. They
even threw stones at us." Mr. Brown nods, watching
Larry attentively. Larry looks a little sheepish. "We
really weren't doing anything. ..." A pause, with no
reply from his father. "Well, not much, anyway." An-
other pause. "Of course, we did use some of their
boards."

"I see."

"Maybe they were trying to get them back. ..."

"You think that maybe they broke down your fort to
get back the boards you took from them?" A leading
question from Mr. Brown, who has now had a chance
to size up the situation. Larry agrees that this is possi-
ble.

"Why don't we all get together tomorrow after I get
home and sort out the boards? I'd be glad to help."

By now father and son have reached an agreement on
how to solve the problem. Mr. Brown knows from his
business experience that using interviewing skills alone
does not always provide the complete solution. When
the Sales and Shipping Departments are feuding, he
uses interviewing skills to get the information he needs,
then calls a meeting and acts as mediator in order to
reach an agreeable settlement. In the same manner he
is now prepared to help settle the neighborhood feud.

Conducting an Interview 37

DO'S AND DON'TS OF INTERVIEWING

DO'S:

1. Try to See Both the Immediate and the Long-
Term Purpose. A well-conducted interview can be a
means of developing the child. Larry was given an op-
portunity to blow off steam, while at the same time his
father tried to guide him toward a long-term solution
of his neighborhood trouble. He also tried to make him
realize that it was not wholly a one-sided affair.

2. Show Interest in a Friendly, Encouraging Manner.
Larry's father took the trouble to put him at ease with
some small talk, then opened the discussion with a
well-phrased question. This was in direct contrast to
Jeff's father, who heard very little of Jeff's report from
behind his paper.

3. Take the Time to Make Advance Preparations.
Know the purpose of your interview; gather as many
facts as possible; and set the stage. Postponing the in-
terview until after supper gave Mr. Brown a chance to
arrange for a quiet setting and to give Larry's problem
a little thought before plunging into a solution.

4. Listen Actively. The sequence of Larry's inter-
view with his father shows the value of appropriate lis-
tening responses. Without a lengthy interrogation, Mr.
Brown got the picture of a two-way squabble over
boards between the two groups of boys, and was able to
make Larry himself see that it was not all the fault of
"the other guys."

5. Reach an Agreement on the Necessary Action. It

38 Running a Happy Family

didn't take long to find a solution after Larry admitted
the fact that he and Jeff might have aggravated the
other boys. Recognizing that the boys might still run
into trouble in trying to settle it the next day, Mr.
Brown offered his services. When Larry agreed, the
interview was concluded on a constructive note.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Try to Conduct an Interview Under Un-
favorable Conditions. These conditions may include

Irving Roir, American Legion Magazine

"I hope you remember that tomorrow I'll have been in
your employ three years."

Conducting an Interview 39

undue fatigue, or an inappropriate time or place. Jeff's
tired and hungry state made it impossible for him to tell
his troubles in a reasonable manner. Both the time and
place were also inauspicious, with Mother and Nancy
both interrupting and supper cooling in the kitchen.

2. Don't Interrupt. Even if there had been no out-
side interruptions, Jeff scarcely had a chance to tell his
full story. His father interrupted him with his remarks
about muddy shoes, the nature of the fort, and finally
to say that he ''can't settle these things." Too many in-
terruptions cancel out the value of holding an inter-
view.

3. Don't Put the Other Person on the Defensive. Try
not to ask questions or make remarks which show lack
of sympathy for the other person's point of view. "It
was just some' old boards" showed Father's lack of un-
derstanding of how important the fort was to Jeff, and
started him off on another indignant tangent.

4. Don't Ask Poorly Framed Questions. Avoid giving
the other person a chance to answer yes or no if you are
interested in drawing out the whole story. "Were you
bothering them?" can only lead to a "No!" In contrast,
Mr. Brown's query: "What kind of trouble?" opened
the door for further discussion.

5. Don't Conclude the Interview Without Agreeing
on a Solution. Jeff's interview with his father was con-
cluded without accomplishing anything at all either
within the family or in terms of neighborhood rela-
tions. It is essential for a parent to take the time to lis-
ten, and to take an active part in helping solve the

40 Running a Happy Family

problems of his children, as Mr. Brown did. If the two
people holding the conversation can agree on a solution,
then putting it into action follows naturally and easily.

* * *

By an interview, we mean a purposeful conversation
between two people. In this chapter we are concerned
for the most part with interviews between parent and
child, conducted by the parent. In addition, parents are
frequently involved in interviews with teachers, doctors,
coaches and counselors concerning their children's prog-
ress and welfare. All too often, they leave such an inter-
view feeling baffled and uncertain, realizing too late that
they failed to get the information they particularly
wanted. Whatever the occasion, the application of some
simple techniques may prove helpful.

When a parent conducts an interview with a child, it
is especially important for him to have a clear purpose
and to prepare for the conversation in a businesslike
manner. Such an interview need not be formal, lengthy,
or overly serious. It is distinguished from a casual con-
versation in that it is purposeful.

A parent may have in mind any one of several basic
purposes when he decides that the time has come to
have an interview with one of his children. His long-
range objective may be to promote understanding or
obtain co-operation for a continuing period of time. A
talk of this kind might be held with a child to review
his place in the home and his responsibilities to his par-
ents or toward younger children.

Interviews or serious talks may be held periodically

Conducting an Interview 41

to help develop the child. Such conversations might con-
cern preparation for the future in such matters as han-
dling money, making the best use of leisure time,
getting along with others, or sportsmanship.

Another long-range objective might be to clarify
some new family situation. Explaining the implications
of a change in job for Father or the approaching arrival
of a new baby should be done through meaningful two-
way discussion, and not treated as a casual news item.

Interviews between parent and child may also have
more immediate objectives, such as gaining or giving
information, or finding out specific facts. Sometimes the
use of interviewing skills will quickly determine who
broke the neighbor's window; whereas the use of a
blunt question or threat would produce only a negative
reaction.

An interview may also provide an opportunity for a
child to blow off steam. Good interviewing techniques
are useful when Junior is anxious to pour out assorted
tall tales about his sufferings at the hands of his cruel
older sister.

Another common interviewing situation occurs when
a parent seeks to give advice or instruction. The imme-
diate objective of teaching Bobby how to drive a nail,
for example, or of counseling Linda on teen-age be-
havior can be accomplished through application of the
simple skills described below.

Similarly, a little thought and strategy may provide
a more effective remedy for a specific problem than a
brusque order and an authoritative manner. If the teen-

42 Running a Happy Family

age daughter's room is so untidy that she cannot find a
place to sit down, the immediate need is to get her to
straighten it up. At the same time, the young lady can
be brought into a discussion of how to prevent such ex-
tremes of untidiness in the future. Properly handled,
she will not feel rebellious or that she has had a "bawl-
ing out" at her advanced age.

We can now see that the home situations in which
an interview may be useful are numerous and varied.
(Interviews which are chiefly concerned with correcting
or disciplining will be discussed in the next chapter.)

Children's grievances cannot be settled by collective
bargaining; and yet children, too, deserve a fair hearing,
one that is as impartial as the family relationship will
allow. A few casual words from Mother or Father can-
not adequately settle matters of health, hygiene, safety,
allowances, or assigned chores. Even the most difficult
and unusual problem can be faced in a parent-child in-
terview if it is approached in a systematic, constructive
way.

Of course there are problems in being an effective in-
terviewer just as there are in trying to be a model par-
ent. Emotional crises occur in the most orderly
households, and personality clashes cannot always be
overcome by the application of theories or techniques.
Sometimes it is hard for a parent to appreciate just how
badly hurt the six-year-old pride can be, or how much
pressure is being put on the twelve-year-old who is taller
than all his classmates. Nor is it possible for most par-
ents to keep their own emotions under control at all

Conducting an Interview 43

times. Parents have bad days, too. This is one of the
hardest things for children to understand, just as the
worker often loses sight of the fact that his boss is only
human and has a normal assortment of weaknesses.

Faulty communication due to emotional or other
factors can add difficulties to an interview. Misunder-
standing may lead to arguments and accusations, and
result in a complete breakdown of negotiations.

A little preparation goes a long way in avoiding the
difficulties just mentioned. There is no need to medi-
tate for hours before interviewing a child about his
performance of some household chore. But some prior
thought, and possibly a discussion in advance between
his parents, may prove helpful. A lot can also be learned
from the experience of others. Find out how your
friends approach the ticklish situations which arise with
their own children. An occasional exchange of views is
a good idea, just as in business the so-called "experience
meeting" is used to learn new and improved ways of
doing the job.

In preparing for an interview, you should try to
have some facts on the topic to be discussed. Try to
think in advance of key questions and statements which
will start the interview going in the right direction, and
keep it on the same track. Know the purpose behind
your questions. What do you want to find out, or dis-
cuss? What do you hope to accomplish? A close look at
your motives in advance will prove worth while.

Another helpful preparation is to set the stage with
a thought to timing, privacy and comfort. Otherwise,

44 Running a Happy Family

embarrassment and humiliation may cancel out every-
thing that has been accomplished. Unless you run a
military establishment, the child with whom you are
talking should not have to stand at attention or even
stand at all. It is far better for both of you to relax and
be comfortable. Try to arrange it so that there are no
interruptions. Make sure that the interview is neither
too long nor too short to accomplish its purpose. Use
the time to best advantage.

We suggest several steps to create the right atmos-
phere at the beginning of an interview with your child,
and to provide a means of carrying through to a success-
ful conclusion.

1. Without overdoing it, try to have a relaxed, pleas-
ing manner which will put the child at ease. Smile, be
friendly, be complimentary whenever appropriate, and
show genuine interest. Just because you are having a
serious talk does not mean you have to act like an ogre.
Some preliminary small talk may help create a warmer
atmosphere than if you jump right into the main topic
of conversation.

2. Hear the whole story without interruption. A
parent should think of himself as a referee or a judge,
not the lawyer for the prosecution. As such he should
encourage talk, and above all he should listen. Listen-
ing is the basic skill of interviewing, and of casual con-
versation as well. It is so important that we may
consider the interviewer to be the listener. Many ques-
tions need never be asked if the interviewer will listen
actively. A parent can quickly detect a child's key

Conducting an Interview 45

thoughts if he will give him the time and freedom to
talk without interruptions in the form of questions,
orders, or accusations. It is surprising what can be
learned from a child if you will only hear him out.

3. Through careful listening, determine the most
important ideas, opinions or facts, and try to remember
them for future reference. This is particularly impor-
tant in talking with children, since they are likely to
ramble, embroidering their stories to such an extent
that only an attentive parent can detect the clues which
he must follow up.

4. After hearing the whole story, discuss the relevant
points and try to reach an agreement as to what is to
be done. Father cannot lean back in his easy chair,
grunt, and resume reading the newspaper. Nor should
Mother have to step in to suggest that he do something.
It is up to the interviewer to make sure that an accept-
able agreement is reached.

5. As the final step, some kind of decision must be
made, whether it is in the form of a reprimand, a sug-
gested course of action, or simply an indication that
the conversation is over. Otherwise the purposeful con-
versation, however skillfully conducted, misses its tar-
get.

Throughout an interview there are certain elemen-
tary ways of achieving the success which invariably
comes to the good listener. As we have indicated, listen-
ing is the important part of any rewarding conversation.
Most people never stop talking long enough to listen
attentively and skillfully. Good listening is a skill in

46 Running a Happy Family

itself, something which can be practiced and improved
with conscious effort. Just observe from across the room
a person who is known as a good conversationalist, with
whom you always enjoy talking. Or watch the woman
who has the knack of getting the most reticent man in
the party to tell her his life history. They may be saying
very little themselves, but through conscious or sub-
conscious effort, they will be doing certain things to
promote conversation. They are good listeners who
have learned that listening is not a passive activity.

Here are a few things you can do to encourage a child
to keep talking. (We realize that this is not always a
parent's dearest wish, but sometimes it really is helpful.)
To listen actively means to act in such a way that the
listener's interest, attention, and readiness to hear more
are apparent to the person who is talking. Not wanting
to interfere with the speaker's train of thought, the
good listener looks interested and remains attentive,
but does nothing more until there is a pause in the
conversation. Below are listed four specific listening
skills which are being taught to foremen and super-
visors in business and industry. These skills, practiced
in the classroom for use in the shop or office, are equally
applicable at home.

1. Interest can be shown when the speaker pauses,
by nodding the head slightly or by looking directly at
him in a friendly expectant way without saying any-
thing. There is no need to jump in whenever a con-
versation lags. The speaker may merely wish to catch
his breath or collect his thoughts. Frequently a remark

Conducting an Interview 47

at this point will interrupt his train of thought, whereas
a quiet pause need not be awkward, and will be less
likely to shut off the flow of words. Concentration on
keeping your own mouth shut will give you a chance
to hear more of what is being said than if you are wait-
ing impatiently to reveal some gem of your own.

2. Sometimes it is more appropriate to say a little
something when there is a pause in the conversation
than to nod and remain silent. A casual "I see," "Is
that so?," "That's right," or any of countless other
phrases which we all hear every day will let the speaker
know that you are interested in what he has said and
in hearing him continue.

3. When children appear to be holding back, a more
active participation may be required. Repeating part
of what has just been said, usually in the form of a ques-
tion, may encourage them to go on. When your son says,
"Something happened to the stove," it may be better
(assuming that you cannot smell smoke) to appear non-
chalant and echo, "The stove?" than to leap to your
feet and dash to the kitchen. If the boy is trying to
confess that he has scratched the enamel, the calmer
response will give him a chance to tell you the whole
story.

4. The technique of reflecting back to the speaker
your understanding of what he has just said as a means
of encouraging him to continue is often referred to as
"the mirror." When the eight-year-old says "Johnny
just knocked down my castle and it's all his fault!" try
coming back with: "You feel it's all his fault" in a

48 Running a Happy Family

matter-of-fact way— unless your small reporter is actu-
ally bleeding as a result of the scuffle. Mirroring his
statement may give you the rest of the story more
quickly than if you shout for Johnny to come down-
stairs or start asking impatient questions.

Often there is no ready-made opportunity to be a
good listener. When you are initiating the interview
yourself, you may need a well-thought-out question to
get the conversation started. The first query that comes
to mind may not be the best way to get a reasonable
answer. An impulsive: "Haven't you finished that job
yet?" is less likely to produce a successful discussion
than: "How is the job coming along?"

There is one conversational skill which is funda-
mental to success in any type of interviewing situation,
just as it is in social conversation. This is the deliberate
use of the open question, one which cannot be answered
"yes" or "no." When a closed question is used, we are
looking for and should expect a one-word answer which
may close the conversation. Our chances for conversa-
tional success are increased by using open questions
which require something more than a nod or a shake
of the head. Start off with who, what, when, where,
which, or how if you want to keep the interview rolling.
Most children instinctively prefer to make brief and
noncommital replies, but why encourage them to do
so? Surely it is preferable to ask "What did you do when
Butch threw the shovel at you?" than "Did you hit him
back?"

Questions starting with is, do, has, can, will, and simi-

Conducting an Interview 49

lar verbs can effectively stop the flow of information.
In A. A. Milne's Now We Are Six, Jane, the Good Lit-
tle Girl, protests that she is always being asked: "Have
you been a good girl, Jane?" The child wisely questions
whether she would be likely to say so if she had been
bad.

There may seem to be little difference in the effect
of open and closed questions when we recall Robert
Paul Smith's classic question-and-answer sequence:
Where Did You Go? Out. What Did you Do? Nothing.
Quite so. No approach will work every time, particu-
larly where children are concerned. Our contention is
simply that your chances for success in conducting an
interview will be better if you ask broad, wide-open
questions than if you make it easy for a child to give a
one-word answer. At any rate, the use of open ques-
tions will test your child's ingenuity.

By now some readers may feel that we are advocating
coddling your child, that this interviewing technique
and these ways to be a good listener are too permissive,
not forceful enough to be effective. We believe that the
assertion of authority does not rely on outshouting the
children or roaring around the house to induce fearful
submission. We are not advocating a soft approach to
every situation, but feel that by thinking before you
speak, and by making sure that your child has a chance
to give his story before you jump to conclusions, you
will reach a mutually satisfactory agreement without
sacrificing authority or losing the respect of your child.

Ill

Correcting Other People

WHEN JOE CAME HOME from work tonight he was smil-
ing and happy after putting in a rewarding eight hours
at the office. He had influenced, co-operated, communi-
cated, and delegated. He had performed his job accord-
ing to the best precepts of the management training
course he was taking at the college downtown. The
ideas of the professor, a man with both a broad business
background and a high academic standing, hummed in
the back of Joe's mind.

Joe's wife, Barbara, was in a good mood too. She had
waxed the kitchen floor, made a pie, and still found
time to put her feet up after lunch and read a magazine.
All had gone well that day, with one exception: the
boys' report cards seemed to require some discussion
concerning certain black marks imposed by the teach-
ers.

50

Correcting Other People 51

Joe walks into the kitchen to greet the youngsters
who are having an early supper. As he looks around the
room he scowls, and his office personality inexplicably
vanishes.

"Mike, did you spill that milk on the floor?"

"No."

"Well, who did?"

"I don't know. Bob was pouring."

"Bob, did you?"

"Yeh."

Rising inflection: "Why didn't you mop it up, then?"

"Let Mike do it. He was the one who wanted more.
These darned bottles always spill when they're full."

"Well, if you boys can't be more careful . . ."

And so it goes. What might have been a helpful dis-
cussion of how to pour milk and an easy approach to
getting it cleaned up becomes a frustrating Gestapo
interrogation which only leaves everybody annoyed.

After Joe and Barbara have had their dinner the time
comes to discuss report cards. Bob comes first. He has
a D in fifth-grade arithmetic.

"Bob, this certainly isn't too good a report. Your
arithmetic is very bad. You know, both Mother and I
were real sharks at this when we were in school. What's
the matter with you?"

"I don't know."

"Did the teacher tell you it was this bad?"

"Nope."

"Did you turn in all your homework papers?"

"Sure."

52 Running a Happy Family

Joe doesn't seem to be doing too well.

"Did she give the others marks like this?"

"I don't know."

Joe is getting a bit desperate. He really wants to help
Bob, wants him to do better, but he seems to be up
against a stone wall. Like some blundering animal, he
tries to batter his way through. On he goes, in a harsher
tone: "For goodness sake, then, what was the matter?
There has to be some reason for this D. Did you sass
the teacher or something?"

"No." Bob cannot answer two questions at once. The
one-word reply seems the easiest way out. By this time
he is uncomfortable and worried about possible disci-
plinary action, but also aware that his father may just
give up. Figuring that he may escape if the interview
does not last too long, he volunteers nothing.

"Well, you'd better bring this mark up next month
or I'll have to go down to school and talk to your
teacher. Maybe she should give you more homework,
or keep you after school until you improve." (Joe is
always saying things like this to the boys— never does
much.)

Joe cannot understand why Bob has failed to get a
decent mark in arithmetic. That should be an easy sub-
ject. It seems too bad that his boy doesn't make the
grade. Bob sidles toward the door.

"Okay, go ahead. At least you got a few good marks."

Bob brightens, but the interview is over with this
belated compliment. He thinks he might as well take

Correcting Other People 53

the crumb of praise and run rather that risk more
abuse.

Now Mike is summoned. The office humanitarian
by this time is in no mood for the soft approach. These
boys have got to learn the importance of good marks,
and, by heaven, I'll impress them with this if it's the
last thing I do.

"Mike!" (normal tone).

"Mike!!!!" (thirty decibels).

"Yes, Dad?"

"Come in here. I want to talk to you about your re-
port card."

(Wait a bit, Joe. Who's supposed to be talking? And
who is supposed to want to hear about that report
card?)

There follows a repetition of the discussion with Bob.
The reason why their children should be getting un-
satisfactory marks remains a mystery. Joe and Barbara
speculate about it after Mike departs. They decide that
both boys must now realize the importance of good
marks. (Because of Joe's tone of voice?) The next time
the boys will surely do better. (Solely on the basis of
being told to?) And, anyway, the teachers probably
don't understand them.

Now let us watch and listen at the office as Joe, an
assistant accountant, arrives the next morning. Report
cards are forgotten, but there is a report on Joe's desk.
The home office has returned it with a curt note from
the Chief Accountant himself which in no way makes
Joe appear to be the next branch manager. Joe gulps a

54 Running a Happy Family

few times in anger as he realizes that this is the report
compiled by Arlene Smith, one of his most reliable
girls. She really should have known better! He sends a
message for her to come into his cubicle.

So far, the drama is like that of Bob and Mike. But
wait! Is this our Joe?

"Thanks for coming so promptly, Arlene. Perhaps
you can help me fix up this report that came back this
morning." He hands it to her, with its attached note.

As Arlene reads the criticism from the Chief Ac-
countant a look of dismay comes over her face. "Oh,
Mr. Jones, that's the report I did. I'm awfully sorry."

"Now, Arlene, don't worry about it. You're one of
our best people and one little mistake isn't going to
change my opinion of your work. Let's see if we can
fix it up and get it back to General Bookkeeping by
return mail. What did happen, anyway?"

Arlene sighs with relief. "Oh, Mr. Jones, thank you.
I was afraid you'd want to fire me or something!"
(Maybe he did want to at the moment, but what good
would that do?) "You see, I sent that out the day you
were away last week. The boss was called out suddenly
and there was no one to give it a final look. But it was
due and I thought it really should go out."

Joe nods sympathetically.

Arlene rushes on: "I guess I really should have run
the figures off on the comptometer a second time, but
I thought I had everything straightened out. And then
Jane went home sick and I had to finish up her stuff. . . .

Correcting Other People 55

Oh, dear, I do hope we're not in bad with the home
office!"

"Now, don't worry. Why don't you fix this up the
way you think it should be? The only problem I see,
Arlene, is how we can avoid this in the future. What
ideas do you have about that?"

"Maybe we should schedule this report for a day
earlier each month, Mr. Jones. Then either you or the
boss is bound to be here to check it. But don't worry,
I'm going to be more careful next time, before you see
it!"

The comparison between this interview and the ones
Joe had with Bob and Mike is all too obvious. It never
occurred to him to apply at home anything he had
learned in his training course lecture on "Correcting
Others." Below are listed a few hints which might have
been of some help to him when he talked to his boys.

DO'S AND DON'TS OF
CORRECTIVE INTERVIEWS

First and Foremost DO: Forget the Past Except as it
Affects the Future.

DO'S:

1. Take a Positive Approach. Try to clarify and cor-
rect. If at all possible, compliment before you criticize.
Both of Joe's report-card interviews would have been
off to a far better start if he had opened up with a com-
ment on Bob's and Mike's good marks; and then gone

56 Running a Happy Family

on to see how they could raise the bad ones to match.
Note that in his office he takes the time to thank Arlene
Smith for her prompt arrival before getting down to
their less pleasant business of correcting her report and
figuring out how to avoid such errors in the future.

2. Be Sure the Purpose Is Broad Enough. Try to find
out what happened; get it fixed; and see how to avoid
future trouble. If possible, try to clarify the whole situa-
tion through the specific example. Be sure that your
criticisms are primarily a means to an end, that they
are aimed at future development and progress. Making
Arlene redo the incorrect report didn't satisfy Joe,
just as raising Bob's arithmetic mark from a D to a C
would not really be enough. At home as in business,
it's important to consider how you can affect the future
by correcting a previously made mistake.

3. Make Sure Both People Understand the Error.
The person making the correction should take the time
and trouble to help the one at fault see what's wrong.
Certainly Arlene realized what she had done and why
it was a serious matter. Do Bob and Mike know why
their parents want them to improve their marks? Is it
only to make them live up to Joe's and Barbara's own
scholastic records? A little general explanation of the
importance of good study habits would go a long way
at this point.

4. Listen Actively and Keep an Open Mind. Joe was
so busy talking and letting off steam over a couple of
bad marks that he never did bother to draw out Bob or
Mike. And yet in his office he let Arlene give him her

Drawing by Steig, © The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.
"B-plus is not good enough for a Zimmermanl"

whole version of how the error had taken place. Some-
how he even managed to be sympathetic although his
own career may have been damaged by her carelessness.
That is all part of the science of human relations. He
has learned about that. All he needs to do now is to
apply this knowledge at home.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Just Blame and Scold. Criticism alone is not
enough. Joe's little talks with Bob and Mike leave them

58 Running a Happy Family

on the defensive, thoroughly uncomfortable, and with-
out any idea of how to improve, whereas in the office,
Joe and Arlene Smith together have agreed on a pro-
cedure: a new schedule which should improve matters
in the future.

2. Don't Stop at Getting the Error Corrected. That
is only the beginning. In the spilled-milk episode, both
Bob and Mike could have profited by a short discussion
of how to hold a full milk bottle. Arlene was more than
happy to put her mind to the problem when Joe asked
her: "How can we avoid this in the future?"

3. Don't Guess at What Happened. It's important to
get the facts, either from the person at fault or from
outside sources. Wouldn't it have been better for Joe
or Barbara to consult Bob's teacher before passing
judgment, since Bob didn't seem to understand why he
got that D? In Arlene's case, Joe is able to get the facts
about the incorrect report both from the home office
and directly from her.

4. Don't Let a Single Mistake Affect a Person's Stand-
ing. To keep proper perspective, past performance
should always be considered in judging an error. It's
entirely possible that Bob never had a D before. He's
upset too. A more understanding approach from his
father with a review of past good marks seems only fair,
and would be more encouraging than a bawling out.
Certainly Joe was quick to assure Arlene that "one lit-
tle mistake" isn't going to change his opinion of her
work or of her value to the company. His own sons
might appreciate such an assurance.

Correcting Other People 59

Note: Additional DO'S AND DON'TS can be found

in Chapter II on interviewing in general.

* # *

In the previous chapter we described techniques for
use in day-to-day interviewing situations. We men-
tioned ways to create the proper atmosphere for a pur-
poseful conversation with a child, and specific skills
which can be used to save time, effort, and parental
sanity. Because we regard discipline- as one of the most
difficult problems parents have to face, we now want
to discuss in detail the corrective interview.

By corrective interview we mean a purposeful con-
versation between parent and child which is held
primarily to correct or reprimand. The interview is
specifically directed toward correcting a mistake or im-
proving a general situation which is disturbing the
family harmony. It is not our purpose to decide for the
parents whether to take positive action with the birch
rod or razor strop. We merely suggest that any situation
which might involve punishment, drastic or otherwise,
should be analyzed and discussed by both parent and
child in a well-conducted corrective interview. Only in
this way can they arrive at a reasonable course of action
which is agreeable to both.

We want to emphasize as strongly as possible the need
for a clear purpose in the corrective interview. Ordi-
narily there are several objectives which the parent
should have in mind when the time comes to assume
the stern role of disciplinarian. It is important to look
at the broad picture of what you hope to accomplish

60 Running a Happy Family

before telling Junior that you want to have "a little
talk."

Certainly if a youngster has stopped up the overflow
in the washbasin and left the water running, the first
thing to do is to turn off the water and mop up. First
get things fixed: staunch the flow of blood; remove the
matches from the tiny hands. But after that is accom-
plished, do not stop with a slap or a harsh word if you
really wish to correct the child.

The second objective of the corrective interview is
to find out exactly what happened. Try to get the facts
by using the skills discussed in the previous chapter on
interviewing. Do not jump to conclusions— or even
jump up and down— until you know what really did
occur. Instead of guessing how the little boy got into
trouble, give him time to cool off so that he can give
you his story. In the meantime you can be cooling off
too. Once you have learned what appears to be the full
story you are in a much better position to judge how
to guide the discussion further and to decide upon what
action is needed.

After a confession has been made or the misdeed ac-
knowledged, it is usually not difficult to proceed to the
next step, which is to reach some agreement on how to
avoid similar trouble in the future. We are assuming
that the lessons of Chapter I have been learned, and
that the parent is not dominating the conversation dur-
ing this step. He tries to make sure that the child has
learned his lesson from the situation, and guides him
to talk in terms of future action. The less said by Father

Correcting Other People 61

or Mother at this stage the better, although the child
may need some help in expressing his ideas and in
working them out in a constructive way.

A further purpose to have in mind when faced with
the necessity for remedying a bad situation is to con-
clude the interview with a clarification of the whole sit-
uation of which the misdeed may be only one part.
The child's duties or responsibilities, his place in the
family, school, or neighborhood could be reviewed at
such a time. The discussion could serve to emphasize
the wrongdoing or poor judgment, and point the way
to better future behavior.

With your purpose firmly in mind, it is important to
make sure that your approach to the child who has done
wrong is positive. It is not necessary to rant and rave
about everything that is bad or wrong. Many times
there will be good things to talk about as well as items
for correction, high marks as well as low ones on the
report card. If possible, try to compliment before you
criticize.

The corrective interview should not be just an op-
portunity for a parent to blame and scold. Properly
handled, it should preclude the necessity for a lot of
harsh words, and lessen the irritations of both parent
and child. Over thirty years ago, Mary P. Follett, a
leader in the field of industrial human relations in
England, said that we should not blame for the sake of
blaming but should make what we have to say accom-
plish something. A parent's words of wisdom should be
uttered in such a way, at such a time and under such

62 Running a Happy Family

circumstances as to be part of his child's education, not
just punishment.

A positive approach to correction attempts to correct
the action, not just criticize the individual. If you are
always looking for someone to blame, you are losing
sight of your true purpose as a parent, which is to cor-
rect, to educate, and to develop your child. The success-
ful parent, like the business manager who is successful
in dealing with people, does not use authority as a
weapon for criticism and faultfinding, nor does he ex-
pect to be followed and obeyed because of his super-
visory position. Rather he tries to arouse a feeling of
co-operation, of mutual interest in common ends. The
correction of mistakes can be treated as a positive way
toward a happier coexistence.

It is necessary to keep the background in mind when
deciding on corrective action. The parent must think
in terms of the children involved, their past perform-
ances and past relationships. Good or bad, these factors
must all be taken into account in deciding what to do.
The boy who tips over the canoe the first time out
should not get quite the same treatment as the youth
with a lot of canoeing experience who tips it over be-
cause of carelessness.

Both child and parent must understand from as
nearly a common point of view as possible just what
was involved. Was the mistake apparent at the time?
To the experienced parent the consequences of playing
with the emergency brake are obvious, but perhaps not
so to a four-year-old. The innate ability to see things

Correcting Other People 63

through our children's eyes is something few of us pos-
sess, but the more we try to do so the more successful
we will be in our dealings with them.

A similar barrier to correcting children successfully
is built by the parent who fails to make sure that the
errant child has had an opportunity to see and under-
stand his mistake. The parent should take the time and
trouble to make sure that there is no question as to the
nature of the misdeed and its consequences. The five-
year-old terror who thinks it is fun to light matches
can quickly see his mistake, or feel the results of it.
But his background is probably too limited for him
to appreciate without explanation the subtler implica-
tions of throwing his food around the kitchen or refus-
ing to help pick up his toys. Explaining the thought
underlying your corrective action in the latter case may
be more involved than that required on the way to the
doctor's office with a burned hand.

In the corrective interview it is particularly impor-
tant to listen carefully and actively. The listening skills
discussed in Chapter II are especially useful in an
interview of this kind. In addition to saying as little as
possible, it is essential to keep an open mind. This
type of parent-child conversation may be charged with
emotion due to the direct effect of the mistake. The
fact that the living-room rug has been stained with
grape juice, or Mother's new scarf returned torn from
a teen-age bowling party, may make it difficult to assess
any but the more obvious facts. Sometimes, however,
clear consideration of the facts, with whatever objec-

64 Running a Happy Family

tivity the moment will allow, may reveal that the boy
next door was the one who spilled the grape juice and
fled, leaving your own child as the apparent criminal.
Or you may suddenly recall that you yourself suggested
wearing the new scarf, or learn that the tear was not
after all a result of carelessness.

The interviewer must also try to keep the problem
in its proper perspective. The big dramatic scene, the
long-term threats, the cold reception, should not be in-
discriminately used. After the child appreciates the
mistake, try to see how he must view it in relation to
his total existence. Do not magnify small errors out of
all proportion. Try to save your severe approach for the
most serious matters.

Through the use of open questions and proper listen-
ing responses as discussed earlier, and with pursuit and
follow-up of the child's key thoughts, it should be pos-
sible to reach a satisfactory conclusion as to what ac-
tion is necessary. Your attention and interest in hear-
ing the whole story and in encouraging the child to
take part in the decision should go a long way toward
convincing him that he has had a fair hearing. Carrying
out the action agreed on should then become less pain-
ful than if a more abrupt approach had been used
throughout the corrective interview.

IV

Giving Orders and Assignments

AT TEN O'CLOCK on an October Saturday, Harry, who
is not ordinarily a Heavy Father, decides that this is the
weekend to clean out the garage.

"We're going to get those kids to work today," he
informs his wife Fran as he drains his morning coffee.
"That garage is a mess."

His three children pick this moment to troop
through the room on their way outdoors. They are:
Linda, thirteen; Henry, ten; and Jimmy, who is not
quite seven.

"Hey, kids!" They pause, fidgeting, only half listen-
ing. "The garage is a mess. Nobody's done anything
about it all summer. I want it cleaned up today, d'you
hear?"

The children, already in motion, reply simultane-
ously:

65

66 Running a Happy Family

"Sure."

"Okay, Pop."

"Mmm."

They are all headed in different directions: Linda
to walk uptown and look over the latest rock 'n' roll
records; Henry to build a tree house with Willie;
Jimmy to set up Fort Laramie in the sandbox next
door. Harry's words have not penetrated these well-
formed plans.

Half an hour later Harry leaves to do the weekend
errands. He grumbles as he trips over the hose while
getting into the car. No children in view. Uptown he
has to wait forty-five minutes to get a dog license, and
after delays both at the hardware store and the gas sta-
tion he nearly misses the noon deadline at the Post
Office. Morning gone; temper thin. The only change
on the home-and-garage front is that a bicycle has been
moved out to block the driveway.

Fran has just finished her morning stint of house-
work, and is now ready to sit down and consider the
pleasanter aspects of the weekend plans. Harry's greet-
ing is not quite what she is hoping to hear. "Where are
the kids? Why haven't they cleaned up the garage?"

Fran has been busy. She wants to sit down. "I'm sure
/ don't know. They went out."

"Well, I'm going to find them and put them to work.
The whole morning's wasted. Nothing's been done."

"But Harry, it's almost lunchtime."

Harry explodes, and Fran returns to the kitchen to
slap sandwiches together. When she calls the children

"The Budgetleys" by Bram, Christian Science Monitor

"A warm Saturday comes along and he wants to tidy
up the whole wide world."

68 Running a Happy Family

for lunch, they appear instantly, diverted from their
morning activities by the prospect of food.

Harry greets them with a roar: "Now look here, that
garage looks wonderful, doesn't it?" Blank stares and
silence all round.

"Well, did you clean it up as I asked?"

One "Nope" and two negative shakes of the head.

Fran intervenes as Harry prepares to explode again,
thrusting sandwiches and milk at everyone. Harry gulps
his, inviting indigestion. The twenty-minute truce and
general refueling help a little.

After lunch, Harry herds the children into the of-
fending garage. "Now! No one leaves until this garage
is cleaned up good and proper, understand? It's a pig-
pen!"

The children open their mouths to protest, but Harry
interrupts. "No more nonsense. This job has got to be
done right now. At ten o'clock this morning I told you
to clean up the garage and now you're going to do it.
Everybody get busy. Look at the place. What a mess!"
He kicks the hose.

"I didn't do it."

"Jimmy left all those sticks."

"I did not! It was Larry."

Harry roars again. "I don't care who did it! You kids
get busy. Pile up the wood. Pick up the toys. Sweep
the floor. Take the stuff we don't need down cellar.
Get going!" He starts out the door. (How's that again,
Harry? Who does what? And why?)

Linda and Henry begin to fight over the only broom.

Giving Orders and Assignments 69

"Sweep the floor" was the only clear-cut order either
one of them heard. Jimmy starts to roll an old tire
around the garage, bumping into the other two.

Let us cut the scene here. The garage-cleaning project
dissolves into noisy chaos. Within ten minutes Henry
has been banished to his room in a tantrum; Jimmy has
managed to sneak away while no one was looking; and
Linda is left alone in the garage. As she sweeps the dirt
from side to side she grumbles self-righteously that "no-
body around this place does any work except me." Fran
has taken some mending to her room to keep out of it.

Finally Harry gives up and turns on the television;
but his mind is not on the ball game. Those kids ought
to be doing more work around here, he tells himself.
They don't seem to have any sense of responsibility.
How are they ever going to learn, anyway? Guess I
must be a lousy father.

What went wrong?

As proof that Harry is neither an ogre nor a bum-
bling failure at getting along with people, let us see
how he handled a comparable situation at his office re-
cently. The assignment he gave his office staff was not
too different from the one he gave his children. He
asked them to clean out all files and supply cabinets in
time for the annual inventory. But note the difference
in Harry's approach.

Harry really does know how to give orders. He has
had training in this sort of thing. First of all, he set
ten o'clock as the most convenient time for everyone to
meet, knowing that their urgent early-morning jobs

70 Running a Happy Family

would be out of the way by then. Visualize the scene
in Harry's office: all are comfortably seated, including
Harry and his secretary, who is ready to take notes on
whatever is decided. Harry introduces the assignment
by explaining why the clean-up job has to be done now,
at the height of their busy season. Next he reviews the
time sequence: when to expect the auditors; when the
inventory will start; and when each portion of the job
should be completed. Everyone is invited to make sug-
gestions as to how and when the work can best be fitted
into the daily routine.

When the group has had a chance to discuss the gen-
eral picture, Harry gets down to specific details. He
makes sure that the jobs are evenly distributed. Know-
ing that his secretary is likely to take too much of the
work on herself, he is careful to spell out exactly what
he wants her to do and where her responsibility ends.
He welcomes suggestions from the group as to the na-
ture of each one's task, and asks whether anyone will
need extra help. In conclusion, Harry asks his secretary
to read back the assignments they have agreed on, and
provides for a follow-up: "When each of you has fin-
ished, why don't you check in with me and we'll see
how the whole thing is coming along."

All of this has consumed less than half an hour of
office time for Harry and his staff, and a major project
is smoothly and effectively launched. Are there any
parallels between what Harry did at the office and did
not do at home? Outlined below are some of the pros
and cons of giving assignments and orders that Harry

Giving Orders and Assignments 71

has learned in a management development training
course. A brief review may reveal more than one
pointer that he could well have used at home.

DO'S AND DON'TS OF
ORDERS AND ASSIGNMENTS

DO'S:

1. Make the Assignment Specific and Clear-cut. Spell
it out as carefully as possible. Specify: when (the time
to start and the deadline for completion); how (what
means are available); who (in giving orders to a group);
and what (the exact limits of the job— what is included
and what is not).

2. Choose a Convenient Time and Place. Harry
called his staff meeting early in the business day, when
each member was ready for business but not yet em-
barked on an important project of his own. At the office
he knows better than to start a job just before lunch,
as he tried to do at home. He has also learned that it
is far more convenient to meet in his office than to try
to catch each person going through the hall.

3. Make the Assignment Detailed. Be sure to supply
enough details. If in doubt, add a few. Harry's "today"
was too vague a deadline to mean anything to his chil-
dren, just as his haphazard orders as to what the chil-
dren were to do left them all confused.

4. Provide Proper Motivation. Try to explain why
the job has to be done. In Harry's office, it was to get
ready for the annual inventory, an objective which was

72 Running a Happy Family

of interest and value to all the staff. How much better
it would have been to awaken his children's interest by
explaining that with winter coming they would all be
better off with more space in the garage for firewood,
sleds and snow shovels. His "do-as-you-are-told" ap-
proach led only to resentment and poor performance.
5. Provide a Follow-up. Make it simple, concrete, and
if possible built into the assignment itself. Once you
have assigned a job, don't just go off as Harry did and
expect to find it done on your return from uptown.
You will do much better with a follow-up of the kind
he suggested in the office, whether it is on an hourly,
weekly, or even yearly basis.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Interrupt Plans Already Made. In particu-
lar, do not interrupt with a job that could just as well
be done at another time, or with a less important task
than the one you are interrupting. The children would
have been far more willing to work in the garage if
Harry had proposed it before they had made commit-
ments to their friends and formed their plans for the
day.

2. Don't Overload the Most Willing. Avoid making
a workhorse out of the good-natured member of the
group. Try to analyze carefully which person is best
qualified for the job. Note that Harry distributed the
work load so as not to overload his willing secretary.
Linda would undoubtedly have appreciated similar
treatment at home.

Giving Orders and Assignments 73

3. Don't Just Tell Each Person What to Do. One may
much prefer to sweep and another to pile the wood.
Let them discuss the division of labor. You may still
have to arbitrate if they cannot agree, but Harry's office
experiences show that it is more effective to let each
person have some say in the arrangements.

4. Don't Give an Assignment in a Hurry. Try to pre-
sent the full picture in a leisurely way. Take the time to
speak distinctly, and to explain each step in detail. This
is time well spent, as Harry recognized in his office
conference. Hurry and tension lead to misunderstand-
ing and a feeling of "How's that again?"

5. Don't Take a Negative Approach. Harry's chil-
dren were immediately on the defensive at his remarks
that the garage was a mess, a pigpen, and that nobody
had done anything about it all summer. Whenever pos-
sible, put your assignment on a "let's do . . ." basis.

* # *

In Chapter I we talked in a general way about com-
munication. Now let us look at a particular aspect of
communication in the home which we feel is impor-
tant enough to merit special attention. Every day finds
us ordering and guiding our children, with directions
ranging from the brief suggestion that Jimmy hang up
his jacket to the detailed instructions needed to prepare
his older brother for the job of painting the garage.

In trying to get children to do things, we often fail
dismally and wonder why. Businessmen and human-
relations specialists have investigated the nature of
orders and assignments, and suggest various pointers to

74 Running a Happy Family

help a supervisor make sure that his subordinates will
carry out his directions. Application of these skills to
any home situation which involves asking children to
do even the simplest task may make the difference be-
tween successful completion of the assignment and total
failure.

We shudder at the picture of the tearful scene which
results from a neglected order or a sloppy, half-finished
assignment. Let us review the factors which may have
led up to such a situation: Father's rising tone of voice
when he asked Susie for the fourth time to pick up her
room; Mother's emotional and hasty directions for some
distasteful kitchen job which is destined never to be
completed. There may be many reasons why such orders
are never carried out. Some advance preparation is es-
sential for giving any order or assignment. This may
require only a few seconds' thought in the case of a
routine request like asking the eldest daughter to set
the table for supper. Or it may be necessary to think
seriously about which chores can be assigned to each
child as part of a full day's clean-up project.

One problem which husband and wife may encounter
in giving orders to their children is duplication or con-
flict in their instructions. Duplication is not too serious
a problem except for the irritation it may produce in a
child who is asked by Father to do the very same chore
he is just finishing up for Mother. But even worse is
the confusion which results when a child is ordered to
do two different things at once. His parents certainly
cannot expect to get either job done as directed. And a

Giving Orders and Assignments 75

still more serious aspect is the conflict produced in the
child. The younger he is, the more difficult this conflict
is to resolve.

Parents do not give conflicting assignments to their
children on purpose. They merely fail to take the time
to find out whether the child is available. Any young-
ster is likely to be annoyed at being asked to interrupt
his play to do some household chore, but he learns that
sometimes it is necessary. However, he may regard it
as the final straw to be told to do something else when,
willingly or grudgingly, he is in the midst of working
for the family good. It is really little wonder that chil-
dren find parents a bit demanding at times.

It may be necessary to establish a chain of command
in the family to make sure that orders emanate from
one person only. A simpler suggestion is to have Father
check with Mother before blithely ordering Sally to
stop whatever she is doing and fetch his pipe. Picture
Sally's mental reaction: You mean stop wiping the
dishes, Dad? Now that Mother has finally persuaded me
to do them after all that coaxing? How confusing! How
delightful!

Before making an assignment, parents should also
think carefully about which child is best qualified to
carry it out. Avoid overloading the most willing; and
try to encourage inexperienced hands to perform new
tasks. In business we hear a lot about "bringing along
the future managers." And yet we often forget this prin-
ciple at home when we continually choose the same
child for a particular job.

76 Running a Happy Family

In introducing an assignment, some thought should
also be given to its importance in relation to the time
and place. It may be better to wait until the hungry
birds have been fed before suggesting a flight from the
nest. Many jobs could wait until morning, or at least
until after a full meal has relieved normal juvenile fa-
tigue. The fact that a parent wants something done now
does not necessarily mean that it really has to be done
now. A slight postponement may be mutually bene-
ficial. We suggest that the commander-in-chief of the
household will get better results without relinquishing
any parental authority if he does not boom out his
commands at a time when there is little hope for peace-
ful obedience.

Try not to interrupt an important job to assign a
minor task. We have already mentioned conflicting
orders, in a case where two people are involved in mak-
ing assignments. Now we refer to the situation wherein
Johnny is asked to stop washing the car for a minute
to take the hammer in to Father. His father should be
happy enough to have the car washed for him without
interrupting the job with such a minor request.

In any assignment which is more than a routine mi-
nor request a child should be permitted to speak his
piece about the job. His suggestions and ideas about
what he is to do and how to do it should be encouraged
with something more than a snappy: "Any questions?"
after the parent has finished talking. Be sure the child
is given an opportunity to contribute all he wishes
without being shut off or ignored.

Giving Orders and Assignments 77

If you cannot give orders and assignments in a lei-
surely, relaxed manner it is probably better not to
bother to give them at all. When you talk too fast, or
mumble, or give your child the impression that you are
in a great rush, he will find it hard to understand what
you expect of him. Stress and tension may lead to re-
sistance. If Mother is delayed for her appointment at
the hairdresser by some frustrating problem of home
or child care, she may issue a series of rapid-fire orders
to the household at large. Older children may well
figure that she won't remember her directions anyway,
so why bother? The younger ones may just stand
rooted, wondering why Mommy is flying around so. In
either case, it is unlikely that her orders will be carried
out.

The assignment itself should be specific and clear-
cut. Do not underestimate how important it is for every-
one to have a full understanding of what is involved.
If you are dealing with more than one child, the limits
of the responsibility of each one should be carefully de-
fined.

A vague, haphazard order will not advance the fam-
ily cause at all. Try to use words that children under-
stand, and above all do not take too much for granted
when you ask a child to do something for you. Con-
sider each child's capacity in order to determine how
much instruction he will need. To insure complete un-
derstanding, assignments should include specific built-in
explanations of what, when, and how. Both the means

78 Running a Happy Family

of accomplishment and the time for completion, or
deadline, should be carefully outlined.

It is better to give too much detail than too little.
The time spent in discussing with your teen-age daugh-
ter just how she is to prepare the evening meal in your
absence is well justified if it keeps the younger children
from going hungry. On the other hand, too much rep-
etition of details can be distracting and tiresome. The
same daughter will lose all interest in cooking if you
tell her three or four times how long to boil water. Use
judgment in deciding how much detail your order re-
quires. Probably you will have to spend more time with
younger children; but regardless of age, take into ac-
count their capacities and experience in determining
how much to tell them.

Assignments should be based on a positive approach.
"Let's pick up the living room before you go out" is
more likely to get favorable attention than "Don't go
out and leave that mess in the living room!" It is en-
tirely possible that neither approach will work, and you
may have to resort to mental and/or physical torture
in the end to get the room picked up at all. But cer-
tainly there is more chance of success if the order does
not carry in its word or tone any accusation, direct or
implied.

The importance of proper motivation should be evi-
dent. There is a fundamental distinction between the
do-as-you-are-told approach and the attitude of the
parents who make sure that their children understand
the why of their orders. We want a child not only to

Giving Orders and Assignments 79

be willing to do the job, but also to appreciate the rea-
sons for wanting to do it beyond the mere fact of a
parental threat or order. Of course, even the best-mo-
tivated approach may occasionally backfire too, as in the
case of the child who asked indignantly as the guests
drove off: "Why did we pick up the living room? They
didn't even sit down!"

When the motivation is built into an assignment,
children will accept the job more readily and do it in
a happier frame of mind. Resentment and misunder-
standing can be eliminated if everyone is given a
chance to discuss the values and effects of performing
the task at hand. A lengthy conference should not be
necessary every time a child is given a minor assign-
ment, but a brief explicit discussion should be held
whenever the why is not readily apparent.

The follow-up or control of an assignment assures
not only that the work gets done but also that no serious
problems are encountered along the way and that the
workers know the supervisor is solidly behind them.
The parent or supervisor should also show that he is
interested in the effort being made, and pleased with
the attitude and accomplishments of all.

Not much success can be expected if an order is given
without the promise of help if needed, or some indica-
tion that an occasional check-up will be made to see
how things are going. Such control does not have to
be complicated or time-consuming. It can be as simple
as: "When you are through, call me and we'll go over
it together." The long-term assignment may require a

80 Running a Happy Family

day-to-day display of interest by the parent, and a dif-
ficult mechanical job may involve constant supervision.
In such cases, try to keep in mind the precepts of Chap-
ter V on delegation as you hang over the youthful
shoulder.

The successful assignment relies on advance prepara-
tion; a positive approach; a clear-cut, well-defined pur-
pose; proper motivation; and adequate control or
follow-up. The application of any single one of these
will improve your chances for success. And the more
of them you can apply the better off you will be.

Getting Things Done Through Others:
Delegation

MOTHER AND FATHER and the children are all excited.
At last they have a chance to leave the city for a real
vacation. It certainly was good of Cousin Sue to invite
them to use her shore cottage during Father's two-week
vacation. And so the family team swings into action.

Team? Let's take another look.

Mother has been working all week, pressing and
mending the children's clothes and packing them neatly
into suitcases and boxes. Father is now preparing to
load them into the car. And where are Susie and
Johnny? They have been sent outdoors to play— any-
thing to keep them out from underfoot. For, as Father
told himself during his twelfth frantic dash upstairs, We
want to be absolutely sure everything is all set. We'll

81

82 Running a Happy Family

check and double check on everything ourselves. The
kids are too excited to be any help.

The children are excited, all right. Suddenly they
appear, firing questions at Mother.

"When do we leave?"

"May I take my doll buggy?"

"Where's my suitcase?"

"Shall I put in my old blue hat?"

"Can I pack my fish pole?"

"No, no! Susie, Johnny, don't be silly. I've put every-
thing you can possibly use in this big old duffel bag
of your father's." (Everything? Just wait until morn-
ing!)

A few protests:

"Gee, I wanted to pack my own suitcase!"

"What'll I do with my fish pole?"

Mother is trying to do all the last-minute things at
once. She gives Johnny a job to get him out of the way
again. "Why don't you get together whatever the cat
will need while he's staying next door?" Johnny,
pleased, dashes off. A minute later Mother's voice over-
takes him:

"Johnny, have you got the cat's bed?"

"Right here."

"Be careful not to spill his sandbox."

"Okay."

"And don't forget Kitty!"

By this time Johnny is thoroughly exasperated. He
is ten years old— he knows what the cat needs. What's
the use of helping around here anyway? He gives up;

Getting Things Done Through Others 83

disappears. Meanwhile Father is down at the curb, al-
most through with packing the car. "Everybody ready?"
he calls.

Mother is nowhere near ready. There is the lunch to
pack, and the notes to write. "Susie, you'll have to write
down the phone number for the Browns."

Susie is only six, and not very good at this. "What
number? What'll I use? Where is it?" and, finally, "Is
this all right?"

"Oh no, for pity sake! That's the Browns' own num-
ber. Honestly, you're no help at all! Can't you get any-
thing right? Here, I'll do it. You get in the car. Where's
your brother?"

Johnny reappears, cobwebby. He has been looking
in the storeroom for some old comics. Mother takes one
look and groans. "Here, get Susie into the car and stay
there till we're ready."

Johnny grabs Susie by the arm and pulls her out the
door, obviously relishing the opportunity to boss his
younger sister. As he tries to shove her into the car,
she balks. He slaps her. She bites him. Both are howling
when Father comes to tear them apart.

"You kids stop fighting or we don't go, you hear?"
(Classic parental threat. Do you really mean it, Father?)

The fight is somehow ended, and Father (who didn't
really mean it) returns to the house for a final check.
As he rushes around slamming windows, Mother ap-
pears in hat and gloves, at last ready to embark. Father
growls at her: "Don't see why I have to do all this.

84 Running a Happy Family

Can't you get those kids to help?" Mother walks straight
on through without comment.

And so we are off to the shore with the children
sulking in the back seat and a gray silence in front.

Does it have to be this way? Not necessarily.

At the plant, Father is known as an unusually able
administrator. He seems to have time for everything.
With everyone but his own family, it is all very simple.
Teamwork is what counts, he has learned. He would
never let qualified men stand by while he performed
the easy tasks. Distribute the work? Of course, that's
second nature. Get everyone aboard; make them feel
like part of the team— that's right out of Father's speech
to the Foremen's Club last month.

Consider an important project that Father had to di-
rect last week: installing a new finishing machine, and
fitting it into the over-all manufacturing process. He
will not be running the machine himself, nor even
checking up every day on the man who does. But it is
his job to see that the whole new operation runs
smoothly. How much of the installation job did he
take over himself? How much did he delegate to others?

Let's take a look over his shoulder at about two
o'clock Monday afternoon. The new machine is in its
proper place, and appears to be in good working order.
This is the first time Father has been on the scene since
early this morning when he inspected the uncrated ma-
chine along with Fred, Finishing Room foreman. Al-
though Fred had never undertaken anything like this

Getting Things Done Through Others 85

before, Father had enough confidence in him to turn
over the responsibility for installing the machine. He
knew that Fred would closely watch the workmen who
were doing the actual bolting down. Never fear, Fred
has been trained not to let anyone fool around with a
sledgehammer on a delicate machine like this. All
morning Father resisted the impulse to hang over
Fred's shoulder while the machine was being installed.
Instead, he used the time to do his own work, knowing
that Fred would let him know if anything went wrong.

Finally, half an hour ago Fred called: "Guess we're
all set, Dan. Like to watch the first run through?"

When Father arrives on the scene both Fred and Mac,
the newly trained machine operator, greet him with
beams and handshakes. All three men are proud of
"our" new machine, and interested in its performance,
each from a different point of view. Now that it has
been ordered, delivered, installed, and made ready to
roll, the actual operation will be up to Mac. Fred is
Mac's direct supervisor, responsible for all the work in
the Finishing Room. But both Fred and Mac know
where to go if it should appear that the machine is not
going to pay its way; or if there are signs of any serious
mechanical trouble that they cannot handle. Straight to
Father. As Production Manager, he knows when to
step in and when to leave his men alone.

Mac may make a mistake or two on the first few runs.
That is all part of learning the job and becoming a
more skilled operator. Fred has learned not to try to
take over when minor things go wrong, just as Father

86 Running a Happy Family

managed to keep out of things all morning. Both
Father and Fred have learned the importance of delega-
tion in their daily work routine.

Is home so different? Is there any reason why Father
cannot apply his knowledge of delegation at home?
More than that, could he not pass on the benefit of his
experience to Mother? She has never been trained to
supervise people, and would probably appreciate some
help along these lines.

Here are some pointers on delegation which Father
might well have taken home along with his vacation
paycheck.

DO'S AND DON'TS OF DELEGATION

DO'S:

1. Regard Delegation as an Essential Part of Growth
and Development. Parents should realize that learning
by doing is a fundamental rule, and be willing to stand
by while their children make mistakes. Proper delega-
tion can provide the means for children to grow, to
learn to act on their own, and to develop responsibility
and independence. It can also be used to overcome
weaknesses and recognize special abilities. In packing
for Johnny and Susie, Mother lost sight of this, just as
Father did in insisting on loading up the car himself.
Father has been trained not to lose sight of this impor-
tant principle in his work. Can't he and Mother see
how important it is at home?

2. Realize the Importance of Delegation as a Means

Getting Things Done Through Others 87

of Dividing the Load. Sharing responsibility eases the
pressure on the delegator. Both Mother and Father
wound up tired and out-of-sorts after a hectic morning
of too many minor chores. Father would not have lasted
six months without a breakdown on his job as Produc-
tion Manager if he had not learned to farm out a high
percentage of such time- and energy-consuming tasks.

3. Use Delegation to Encourage Teamwork. Team
effort makes any job more satisfying, and improves both
the quality of the work and the morale of those in-
volved. When Mother and Father continually shooed
the children away they spoiled half the fun of preparing
for the trip, and lost an opportunity to develop closer
family ties. And yet this is the same Father who showed
his awareness of the advantages of participation when
he turned over so much of the installation job to Fred.

4. Delegate Varying Degrees of Responsibility. It is
important to analyze the situation carefully when you
are considering getting a job done through others. The
nature of the job should be suitable to the age and
ability of the person who is to do it. This is particu-
larly important for parents, since in comparison with
adult development, the growth and progress in children
are so great and so rapid that continual reassessment of
their capabilities is necessary. It is more than likely
that in a few weeks or months Susie will be able to
cope with the telephone numbers which are beyond her
at the moment. Father recognizes at the plant that this
is the case with Mac and the other machine operators.

88 Running a Happy Family

He and Mother would do well to try to recognize it
at home.

5. Define and Establish Standards of Performance
and Limits of Responsibility. Standards should be
clearly denned and agreed on in advance. If possible, all
concerned should participate in setting them. In busi-
ness, standards are of primary importance in every job
description and in every individual assignment. Fred
and Mac know what Father expects of them. Susie and
Johnny should have the same advantage.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Insist on Doing It All Yourself. We all know
how much easier, quicker and more efficient it seems to
Do-It- Yourself than to teach someone else to do the job
—especially a child. But how are Susie and Johnny ever
going to learn to pack suitcases if they are never given
a chance to try? Father has taught this principle to
Fred; can't he also teach it to Mother? And to himself
in his role of parent, as well as Production Manager?

2. Don't Try to Delegate Everything. Some things
cannot be delegated, such as policy-making and disci-
plinary powers. Parents and supervisors should learn
to distinguish between what is important for them to
do personally and what is not. Johnny was all puffed
up at being asked to manage Susie, and in slapping her
was actually taking over the disciplinary role of his
parents. Fred and Mac know that Father makes the final
decisions on such matters as safety and discipline, and

Getting Things Done Through Others 89

that he forms the general policy under which the Finish-
ing Room operates. That's good business management.
In fact, it's more than that: it's good common sense.

3. Don't Regard Delegation as Total Abdication.
The one who delegates is still responsible, for ultimate
responsibility cannot be delegated. A follow-up is im-
portant for a child who has been given a new task; and
with it the assurance of help and co-operation if needed,
and of not being punished if the task proves beyond
him. It wasn't Susie's fault that she couldn't write down
the correct telephone number. Actually, the fault was
Mother's. Therefore Mother should not have blamed
Susie any more than Father would blame Mac for an
error on a job to which he had been assigned without
adequate training.

4. Don't Offer Too Much Help. Nothing kills initia-
tive faster than the mother-hen brand of supervision.
Independence of action is one of the most important
elements of growth. Johnny lost all interest in helping
with the cat's belongings when his mother checked on
his every move. In view of the fact that Father resisted
the temptation to hang over Fred's shoulder all Mon-
day morning, why can't he and Mother learn to do the
same thing at home?

5. Don't Forget the Importance of Proper Communi-
cation. Delegation should be firsthand, person-to-person,
and take place in a favorable atmosphere. It is no more
appropriate or effective for Father to shout directions
to Johnny on the run than it would be for him to tell

90 Running a Happy Family

Fred on his way out to lunch that a new machine has

been ordered.

* * *

John D. Rockefeller's well-known office maxim states
that nobody does anything himself if he can get any-
body else to do it. This outlook may have worked out
well for Rockefeller, but it can also turn into "passing
the buck" or abdication. Formally denned, delegation
is the entrustment of responsibility and authority to
another person, and the creation of an obligation or
accountability for performance. Translating this text-
book definition into the terms of family life, we see
delegation as the process by which parents allocate to
their children appropriate household duties as a means
of developing a sense of responsibility.

All of us who have worked in the business world
know the supervisor who loosely parcels out all his own
work to his subordinates, then sits back, does nothing,
and blames them when things go wrong. This is not the
delegation we are advocating. A skillful manager uses
delegation to get things done through others, while
retaining responsibility for the results. In business and
industry today's complex problems, both technical and
operational, make it imperative for a manager to apply
this skill if only to keep his head above water.

Effective delegation is not necessarily second nature
to most people. It takes thought and practice. Many
management training courses emphasize delegation as
a managerial skill, and point out how businessmen can
best use it.

Getting Things Done Through Others 91

There are also convincing reasons why delegation can
help in the home as well. First, it is essential to child
development. If we wish our children to learn to act
on their own, we must make some orderly effort to dele-
gate to them tasks that are within their capabilities or
just a little bit beyond. We can help our children to
grow by easy stages if we provide a gradual increase in
their responsibilities and in each child's obligation for
doing his part. One of the first tasks delegated to a
young child is that of dressing himself. And what a
proud and happy day it is, both for Mother and for
Johnny, when at last he manages to struggle into his
own sweater! The benefits are mutual, but if fond
Mother fails to recognize this fact, and to encourage
him to go ahead on his own, she will be tying his shoes
until he gets to high school.

Delegation also provides an opportunity for team-
work which can make the most routine family chores
more satisfying. Children enjoy working with their par-
ents even in jobs like cleaning up after a meal. The
four-year-old is pleased to find that he too can take part
by doing some simple task, such as brushing up crumbs
or putting out the empty milk bottles. Working to-
gether as a team, with each member doing his assigned
job, will also improve the quality of the work.

Finally, let us not overlook the advantages to parents
of getting the children to take over some of the yard
and household chores. Any father who has suddenly dis-
covered that his son can mow the lawn knows how such
a division of labor eases the pressure on him as to how

Harry Mace, American Legion Magazine

"Look around, get familiar with the place, in a couple
of years you'll be big enough to clean it up."

to allocate his "free" time at home. At first glance this
may seem to be a purely selfish parental view. But a
closer look will reveal that it is an important part of
any general effort toward family harmony. No one en-
joys seeing Mother in the role of martyr as she struggles
through a double load of dishes by herself; nor does
anyone want her to collapse in a tired heap at the end
of the day. Dispositions improve all round if no one
person in the family is overworked. A fair division of
responsibility and of the workload is as vital an aspect
of life in the home as it is in business and in the com-
munity.

Getting Things Done Through Others 93

Most children as they grow up and take their places
in the family will find more and more things they like
to do— plus some they definitely dislike. For the most
part, parents assume that children will automatically
take on whatever is expected of them from year to year,
just as they proceed from grade to grade in school. This
is only partly true. Children will be ready and eager to
try some new things, to be sure, but without guidance
and instruction they may be reaching in the wrong di-
rection. There are "fun" jobs and unpleasant jobs, vary-
ing according to the individual family and child. Which
ones can be shared by all the family will depend on the
situation, and we will not venture to make suggestions
as to who should do which. But parents should be aware
of the possibilities— and of the pitfalls— involved in
sharing the workload through delegation.

A few words now about some of these pitfalls. It is
easy to say: "Delegate, you parents! It's a Utopian fam-
ily way of life!" But we must quickly add, "Beware!"
There are precautions to consider. Once it is decided
that a particular job will be delegated, and the plans
are discussed by all concerned, it takes a courageous
parent to go through with the whole scheme. Your
good resolutions may fly out the window when, in look-
ing through it, you see that the lawn appears to have
been attacked by a group of amateur barbers instead
of the lawnmower. Here is the first warning: Don't rush
out to finish the job yourself. Sooner or later the Num-
ber One Boy will learn to do a real job— even if it takes
all summer. But in the meantime, don't you think he

94 Running a Happy Family

can see the patches he missed? Let him repair them.

This standing by amid the chaos of a half-completed
task is as difficult for parents as for businessmen. Here
is something which requires real self-control: to watch
mistakes being made by children or subordinates with-
out batting an eye. But try to remember that anyone
learning a new skill is proud of his achievement, and
will quickly see ways to improve or correct his per-
formance if he is left substantially alone to do so.

Another delegating problem often lost in the shuffle
of sudden necessity is posed by the fact that some things
should not be delegated at all, despite strong and un-
derstandable temptations to the contrary. Parents must
retain all disciplinary action and power. Do not allow
Junior to punish his little sister for throwing a stone
at the neighbor's cat because it is easier than running
outdoors to scold her yourself. It is all too simple to
suggest that in a parent's absence older children may
take on the authority to rule the roost. But unfortu-
nately their ideas of discipline and of the situations call-
ing for it may be poles apart from their parents'. It is
important, therefore, to recognize which things can
be delegated and which cannot. Most parents realize
that they have to retain the power to establish family
policy. Bedtimes, rules of health and safety, and the use
of the family car cannot be left to immature judgment.
These subjects may well be discussed in the family
group, but there may need to be some rather potent
persuasion to reach an agreement in line with parental
thinking.

Getting Things Done Through Others 95

Next comes the question of how much to delegate.
Differences in age and capabilities, plus past experience,
must decide; a fifteen-year-old should be allowed more
leeway in picking out his clothes, for example, than the
younger members of the family. Unusual abilities should
be recognized and encouraged; a ten-year-old boy adept
at minor electrical repairs might well be allowed to do
more of them than his older brother who is more in-
terested in carpentry. Weaknesses in children, such as
excessive shyness or lack of mechanical skill, should also
be taken into account when parents are delegating. The
assigned job can serve as a learning or developmental
experience. It should, however, be assigned with a
realistic understanding on both parts of what can be
expected in the way of results.

Another caution to keep in mind is that no matter
how much or how little a parent may delegate to his
children, he himself is still responsible for the over-all
success or failure of the venture. He cannot pass off
the poorly cut lawn as the fault of the boy who is just
learning to master the mower. Standards of account-
ability must be established, so that children have the
assurance of being able to proceed in new directions
without fear of punishment for mistakes or for total
failure. Children will be glad to try new things if they
know the parents stand behind them, and if there is no
question who is in the main accountable for the family
welfare.

The lessons to be learned by allowing children free-
dom of action within an established sphere cannot be

96 Running a Happy Family

overestimated. We learn by doing; we profit by our
mistakes. It all seems so obvious on paper. And yet how
many of us have hung over the shoulder of new little
cooks with a continuous stream of advice on the prog-
ress of the recipe? Leave them alone. Let them leave
the eggs out of the waffles this once. If they have to
struggle a bit they will learn all the more thoroughly,
without losing their eagerness to help.

Even though we may be convinced that the theory of
delegation is sound, we may wonder how to go about
it in the right way. Below are five pointers to keep in
mind when you set out to get Junior to take over the
lawn mowing, or any other new job. The whole process
of putting these five principles into operation may take
only a minute. In some cases, you may even do it with-
out thinking. Or it may take time, thought, and con-
ferring with the others involved. In any case, they are
worth keeping in mind.

1. The job at hand, and the situation, must be care-
fully analyzed to determine what is to be delegated;
to whom; when and where; and in what quantity or to
what degree. Shall we have our ten-year-old cut the
grass this year? Is he able to do it? Is this the kind of
job for him or would he be better at taking charge of
the pets? What arrangements shall we make with him?
How much of the job should he take on? Will he be
able to do the trimming and hedge clipping, or should
he be responsible only for the mowing? All these ques-
tions should be considered by the parents in respect to
the boy's strength, health, and aptitudes; to his other

Getting Things Done Through Others 97

commitments at home and outside; and to the respon-
sibilities of the other family members.

2. It is important to establish in advance the stand-
ards of performance and the goals we hope to attain.
Junior should not be told merely that the lawn is now
his job. How much will he be expected to do each
week? Under whose direction? May he employ his
younger brother to help? What kind of job is passable?
Who will help him check on the finished work? What
rewards will there be? These questions, too, should be
answered at the time the job is delegated, not wrangled
over in midstream.

3. No attempt at delegation can even leave the
launching pad except in the proper atmosphere, or
"favorable climate," as the management jargon would
put it. Assurance of help and co-operation if needed
must be given by the delegator, and the possibilities of
teamwork discussed. If parents and children lack con-
fidence in each other, no delegated project can even
start successfully, let alone be carried to a successful
finish. Junior will soon get discouraged with the whole
idea if he cannot start the power mower and finds that
his father has left for a game of golf without explaining
its idiosyncrasies.

4. Group spirit, individual challenge or incentive,
or some such appropriate motivation, makes up the
fourth requirement of effective delegation. Some reason
must be provided, or pointed out, for doing the job at
hand. Since the reasons are not always apparent, this

98 Running a Happy Family

aspect of delegation often requires conscious thought
and effort on the part of the parent.

5. Our fifth suggestion may seem too obvious to re-
quire mention, but it is nevertheless often overlooked
when we are in a hurry to get something done. This is
the necessity for establishing clear-cut means of com-
municating amongst all concerned. Discussion of the
job should never be casual or offhand. To be effective,
it should be personal, face-to-face, firsthand. Direct
guidance and counseling should be provided if needed,
just as on-the-job coaching is provided in industry.
Proper communication is essential whether the objec-
tive is to teach Susie to beat an egg, or help a stenog-
rapher learn to use a new teletype machine.

We have talked about setting delegation in motion,
but have left until last the equally important subject
of what happens during and after the initial act of dele-
gation. Follow-up and controls are vital parts of the
process. Everything from a casual: "How is it going?"
to a daily or weekly check-up on some long-term family
project should be part of the delegator's job. It does
not make sense to try to encourage a child's develop-
ment and progress through delegation if, once a task
is assigned, the parent loses interest or appears to forget
all about it. As a matter of fact, most children expect
to give some kind of a progress report, and are eager
to do so— sometimes all too frequently!

After the job is started, or even after it is completed,
comes a real chance for development. This is particu-
larly true if the child is encouraged to evaluate the job

Getting Things Done Through Others 99

himself, through such interested questions from his
parents as: "How did you make out pushing the mower
around the dogwood tree?," "Did you have any trouble
on the front bank?," "What did you learn from today's
job?," "Have you any ideas for improving it next time?"
By checking over the delegated tasks together, both par-
ent and child can decide how things are going; whether
the work is too easy or difficult; how much the child is
willing and able to do; and what may reasonably be
expected in future accomplishment. Changes in the
"ground rules" may be necessary from time to time.
Sometimes the child may be trying to do too good a job,
putting in too much time and effort in proportion to
the particular need. Discussion can lead to mutual
agreement on all these matters if everyone involved has
a chance to speak and be heard.

It should be kept in mind during such evaluations
that the expectations of parents and children are likely
to differ along the way. Once a job is completed, each
is bound to have a different view of the quality of the
work and of the degree of completeness. Only by talk-
ing it over can understanding be reached, frequently
with a certain amount of compromise by the parents.
Furthermore, where several children are involved,
standards for the same job will vary with age and abil-
ity. A fifteen-year-old girl will undoubtedly do a better
job of pressing a skirt than her ten-year-old sister. But
the ten-year-old may have worked longer and harder,
and should not be allowed to get discouraged over the
rumpled results. All these factors need consideration

100 Running a Happy Family

when the work of each girl is reviewed and evaluated.
In any follow-up of delegated tasks the most satisfying
and effective way to maintain control, to check on the
job, and to be sure that all is going well is through the
liberal use of praise. Most parents are aware of this fact
even though they may never have used some of the
other skills mentioned above. Plenty of sincere appreci-
ation for the job under way or just completed con-
tributes a great deal to the success of effective delegation
in the home.

VI

Keeping the Family Informed

SAY, MARG, I almost forgot. Where does this sitter
live?" David Munson calls to his wife as he starts out
the door.

"Just down at the corner of Broad— number 450. It's
Sally Roberts. You'll remember when you see it. I'll try
to be ready when you get back."

"Okay. Sally Roberts-number 450."

Nine-year-old Douglas looks up from the television as
his mother comes into the living room. "Gee Mom, you
look cool. You going out?"

"Yes. We're late now. Have you seen my black
purse?"

There is no reply from Douglas. The Bad Guy is
hiding behind the door, and Douglas is on the edge of
his TV hassock. Five-year-old Sam squeals with alarm
as the Good Guy walks into the trap.

101

102 Running a Happy Family

"Oh, here it is! We'll be at the Fosters', boys."

Douglas nods, absorbed in the show. Sam is far away
in Colorado, completely unaware of his mother's exist-
ence.

"Oh, Doug— tell Sally I made up some sandwiches,
and I think there's enough ice cream for all of you."

"Ice cream? Hey, neat!" (At last something Mother
had to say has penetrated the television curtain.)

The Good Guy's fate is still in doubt when David
returns with Sally. "Hi boys!" Sally calls. "How's the
show? Hello, Mrs. Munson. My, you look nice."

"Thank you, Sally. I guess I'm all here. It's such a
rush to get off at this hour. I fixed you all some sand-
wiches, and there's ice cream. Just ask Douglas if you
have trouble finding anything." (Such as the Fosters'
telephone number, Mother?)

"Oh, we'll be all right. Don't worry about a thing.
Just have a good time, now."

"Thanks. Let's see— the baby's in bed and the boys
will probably be ready to turn in early. They had a big
day in the park. Sam's exhausted. Anything else,
David?"

David eyes his watch, his mind on the evening ahead.
"Guess not. The janitor never turned up to check that
bedroom radiator, did he?"

"No. He probably won't come till tomorrow now.
What about your Chicago call?"

"I'll try them again in the morning. All set?" He
helps her into her coat.

Keeping the Family Informed 103

"Yes, thanks. 'Night, boys! Mind what Sally tells you.
We shouldn't be very late."

The television gunplay has reached a high point, and
even Sally is growing anxious about the outcome. The
Munsons' final farewells are drowned out by the Good
Guy's .38.

"Whew! I'm glad to get away from that din." Mar-
garet sighs as they head down the hall to the elevator.
"We're not too late."

In the lobby she stops short. "Oh dear, I forgot to
tell Sally about the baby's cough. Should we go back?"

"Oh, no. Doug knows where the cough syrup is if she
needs it. She looks as though she could cope. Seems like
a nice girl. There's a bus now— let's grab it!" (Guess
you'd better— it may be the only one for an hour. And
yet ... ?)

So the Munsons are off for an evening of pleasure,
feeling carefree and relaxed with a competent baby sit-
ter in charge. It was hectic getting off, but now every-
thing is under control. (How mistaken can responsible
parents be?)

Let's skip over the details of the Munsons' evening,
and pick them up again at twelve o'clock. Here they
come up the street, sleepy but refreshed by a good din-
ner and an evening of cards with their friends the
Fosters. Margaret looks up as they approach the build-
ing. "That's funny. There's a light on in the boys'
room."

"Mmmm." David is concerned only with getting the

104 Running a Happy Family

sitter home as fast as possible and crawling into his
warm bed.

The scene which greets them as they open the apart-
ment door is far from the peaceful one they might have
imagined. Sally, looking tired and unhappy, is walking
the baby, patting him on the back in time to the dance
band on television. Lights blaze in every room, and the
baby is alternately wailing and coughing.

David hurries to turn off the blaring television as
Margaret grabs the baby. "Heavens, Sally, what's the
matter? David, get the cough syrup, quick! Has this
been going on all evening?"

Sally nods unhappily. "He started around nine, I
guess. I tried to call you at the Walters' but there was
no answer."

David returns with the cough medicine. "But we
were at the Fosters'. Didn't you write the number down
for her, Margaret?"

"Oh dear, no. But I told Douglas. And didn't he tell
you about the cough syrup?"

Sally is close to tears. "No, Mrs. Munson, I'm sorry.
He just said you were at the Walters'. He was kind of
mad at me anyway when I made him go to bed. He
wanted to see the Late Show."

"The Late Show! Good heavens, his bedtime is nine-
thirty on weekends. Didn't he tell you? Oh dear, he'll
be worn out tomorrow. When did he go to bed?"

Sally's reply comes all in a rush. She is a girl with a
lot on her mind. "Well, it was pretty late. It was after
the janitor came and disconnected the radiator. I didn't

Keeping the Family Informed 105

know what to tell him was wrong with it, and now
there's water all over the boys' floor. As a matter of fact,
Douglas was trying to fix it and just quieted down a
little while ago."

David rushes down the hall, to find a large puddle
on the floor with Douglas asleep on the floor beside it.
Sam is in bed, but covered with comic books, some of
which have fallen off into the water. He gets David
into bed, straightens out Sam, mops up the worst of the
water and returns to the living room. Margaret now
has the baby calmed down and Sally is standing with
her coat on.

"Oh yes, Mr. Munson. Someone called you. It might
have been Long Distance. I think the operator gave
Douglas a number when he answered, but I was busy
with the baby so I'm not sure."

"Oh, good Lord! I tried all afternoon to reach them.
Was it from Chicago? Did he write it down? Who was
it?"

Sally is thoroughly miserable. "I don't know. I'm
sorry. I didn't get it." She makes one final effort: "But
anyway, the ice cream was real good, Mrs. Munson."

It appears that the ice cream was the only thing that
was good at the Munson apartment that evening. In
spite of good intentions, the Munsons failed to give
Sally the information she needed. Could they have
done a better job of preparing her for the evening?
David is a businessman. Is he always as casual about his
arrangements?

106 Running a Happy Family

Let us look in on him at his office. David is a sales-
man, covering a five-state territory for Acme Sales, and
covering it very efficiently indeed. The fact that certain
things have to be done before he embarks on his
monthly swing around the territory is so obvious to him
that he never stops to think about it. After ten years
with Acme, such mechanics have become automatic.

"Here you are, Alice," he says to his secretary. "This
is the itinerary as I see it. Perhaps you'd better write
down the hotels, since I'll be on a different route this
time." He makes sure that the office knows where to
reach him by mail and telephone, and gives Alice a list
of the customers he plans to call on each day.

"What about the quotas from the home office, Mr.
Munson? They're due any day now."

"That's right. You'd better open all the mail and for-
ward the quotas or anything you think might be im-
portant. But don't send anything to Joplin after Wed-
nesday or I'll miss it there."

"Are you expecting any calls?"

"Yes. Bill Jones from the Allen Company said he
might call on Tuesday. Maybe Ernie or Norm could
handle him. And on Wednesday old Joe Byron from
the mill is due to come through. Will you give him the
latest batch of quotations for me? And then on Thurs-
day you'd better make up the monthly expense report
and send it to the usual people."

Alice looks up from her notebook. "Who gets that
expense report now, Mr. Munson? After those last
changes I'm not sure."

Keeping the Family Informed 107

David gives her the names, then suggests that she read
back his itinerary and the details of the work to be done
in his absence. He then checks over his desk calendar
to make sure that they have not overlooked anything.

"I'd better add these notes to the calendar in case
something comes up while I'm out of the office," Alice
suggests. "Here's the money from the cashier, and your
plane tickets. You'll notice that you have to change
once on the way out, but you can come back nonstop
if you catch the three o'clock plane on Friday."

David jots down several details in his own notebook
as Alice reviews for him the current status of the vari-
ous accounts he is to visit on his trip. All in all they
have exchanged quite a bit of information in a short
time. When David closes his briefcase and reaches for
his hat, each one has a clear picture of the events of the
coming week. It has been part of David's training as a
top salesman for Acme to make sure that everyone in
the sales office is kept informed on such matters.

Why the parallel between this situation and the pre-
vious one at home did not occur to David is hard to
understand. It would not take much time to discuss
with Margaret what information they should pass on to
the baby sitter, and help her to do so in a businesslike
manner. Sally was not very happy as the Munsons' sitter.
But perhaps she will be fortunate enough to work in
an office with a good boss like David when she gets a
little older.

108 Running a Happy Family

DO'S AND DON'TS OF KEEPING
THE FAMILY INFORMED

DO'S:

1. Be Sure that the Listener Hears and Understands
the Importance of What You Are Saying. A quick look
at Douglas' face would have told his mother that he
was too absorbed in television to hear what she was
telling him. Even Sally was only half listening when
the Munsons left the apartment. It is important for the
speaker to make sure that the listener is attentive. Par-
ents can help their children learn to pay attention by
being good listeners themselves. David has learned this
fact at work and would do well to carry it home with
him.

2. Review All Important Points and Ask the Listener
to Do the Same. If Margaret had asked Douglas to re-
peat back to her the information on where they were
going to be for the evening, Sally would have been
saved a lot of trouble. The one phrase "ice cream"
stuck in Douglas' mind, but not the much more impor-
tant matter of his parents' destination. David made sure
that Alice had all the necessary facts on his business
itinerary, but never thought to make a similar check
with Sally or Douglas when he left for the evening.

3. Write Down Important Facts Yourself, or Have
the Listener Take Notes. Whether you make the notes
or ask the other person to do so, it is essential to have
a written record of telephone numbers and messages,
addresses, or other such information. Not only the

Keeping the Family Informed 109

Fosters' name and number but also the directions for
the janitor and any appropriate information about
David's Chicago call and the baby's cough would have
helped Sally if they had been written down. David
would also have been better off if he and Margaret had
taught Douglas to write down all telephone messages
when received. This principle is applied as a matter of
course in David's office, and would be of equal value in
his home.

4. Ask Questions, Whether Giving or Receiving In-
formation. "Are you expecting any calls?" would have
been as appropriate a question coming from Sally the
baby sitter as it was from David's secretary Alice. Since
Sally failed to ask for the necessary information, David
and Margaret would have done well to ask a few leading
questions themselves, such as: "You know how to reach
us?" before leaving her with an assortment of problems
and inadequate information on how to solve them.

DON'TS:

1. Don't Rely on Someone Else to Pass On Informa-
tion For You. With each exchange, there is less chance
of the facts being passed on correctly, particularly where
children are involved. The difference between Foster
and Walter did not seem very great to Douglas, but it
mattered a good deal to Sally when she tried to reach
his parents. It's a wonder they did not rely on five-
year-old Sam to tell Sally what she needed to know!
All information should be given directly to the person

110 Running a Happy Family

who is most concerned, as David recognizes in his office
when he prepares to go on a trip.

2. Don't Be Overconfident That You Have All the
Information You Need. When receiving information,
take the time to question both yourself and the speaker
if you have the slightest doubt about anything he has
said or left unsaid. It is important for a parent to master
this principle of information-getting himself, and to
teach it to his children. Sally was trying to be pleasant
and helpful when she said: "Don't worry about a
thing," but she would have been a far more efficient
baby sitter if she had asked for more complete instruc-
tions. Alice was trained to do this in secretarial school,
but there is no reason why children cannot learn it at
an early age if parents will keep it in mind and try to
set a good example.

3. Don't Try to Give Important Information in a
Hurry. Margaret tried to crowd all the last-minute de-
tails into a few sentences when she and David left for
the evening, with the result that she omitted some of
the most important facts and touched on others too
lightly to impress Sally or the boys. David's conversation
with Alice was not lengthy, but it was complete. He
knew better than to wait until fifteen minutes before
plane time to discuss his itinerary with her.

4. Don't Be Afraid to Interrupt. Whether you are
giving information to someone else or receiving it, it
is far better to interrupt the conversation if anything
is not clear than to wait until later and risk forgetting
your question. When David speaks of "the usual peo-

Keeping the Family Informed 111

pie" Alice is not afraid to tell him that she is no longer
sure of who they are. If Sally had interrupted the Mun-
sons' exchange of remarks about the radiator and the
Chicago call, or questioned Margaret's vague statement
about the boys being ready to "turn in early" she would

have had an easier evening of baby-sitting.

* # *

One specific application of communication skills is
the everyday process of getting and giving information.
"They never tell us anything around here" is a familiar
protest in the business world. Managers and workers
alike have good reason for wanting to know what is go-
ing on and how it might affect them. The managements
of most firms today are very much concerned with this
aspect of employee welfare, for it has been shown that
the chances for success in labor relations as well as in
production and net income are increased considerably
by making a real effort to have an enlightened working
force.

Most business concerns are primarily interested in
making money, and consequently are willing to invest
in anything that improves their financial position. Pub-
lic relations departments flourish in industrial concerns
primarily to keep employees informed. Of course they
are also concerned with keeping the public informed,
but generally share that responsibility with press agents
and advertising agencies. Films, employee magazines,
letters, bulletin boards, reading racks, as well as the
normal flood of office memoranda, use up quite a bit of
the customer's dollar— all for a good purpose.

112 Running a Happy Family

Communication in the opposite direction, from work-
ers to supervisors, can prove more troublesome. Subtler
tactics have to be employed, usually through super-
visory education. Even the best of supervisors is bound
to have people working for him who not only fail to
pass on useful information but also operate on the prin-
ciple of "why should I tell him?" We do not mean to
imply that management has to make informers out of
faithful employees, just that a successful manager will
try to make his workers realize the value of passing on
information that might make for a happier or more ef-
ficient work situation.

Military tactics too stress the need for keeping people
informed. Infantry maneuvers are based on maintain-
ing communication in three directions: up, down, and
laterally.

The parallel in the home should be apparent. And
yet few of us think or do very much about it. There is
no earnings statement to be affected, nor any enemy
machine gun to mow us down if we fail to keep our
associates informed. We do not have the time for the
kind of formal information-giving activities mentioned
above. The home movies at our house, although a good
record of family activity in an out-of-focus sort of way,
are intended to entertain rather than to instruct or in-
form.

With few formal devices at our disposal for keeping
the family informed, we need to look at some general
principles and skills. Actually, when we consider these
principles and skills we are struck by their simplicity.

Keeping the Family Informed 113

There are no magic formulas. But there is much to be
gained just by organizing our thoughts. Awareness and
practice are what count in human relations, not book
knowledge alone.

Children frequently try to give us information, but
find us too busy to be bothered, or for some reason un-
able to get the message. This inability to "get through"
is something we condemn in our children but seldom
think of as applying ourselves. If you really want to get
information and get at the truth, you must give full
attention and show interest when your children talk to
you. Try to assure them that you realize the importance
of what they are saying.

When a child dashes into your bedroom at six o'clock
in the morning, he may not only be seeking a ready
adult ear but also some assurance of action if necessary.
Even though his idea of action may be quite different
from your own at that hour, at least you can indicate
readiness to defend his cause or mend the wrong. Be
appreciative when your children do tell you things. By
encouraging them to talk freely, you may have to listen
to a lot that is not at all important or interesting, but
this is surely much better than closing the communica-
tion gate entirely.

The general principles of the last two paragraphs
should also apply when you wish to give information to
children. They too must be made aware of the necessity
of being attentive and of understanding that you have
something of value to pass on. We all know how
frustrating it can be to make a suggestion which is

114 Running a Happy Family

greeted with a dull stare or a negative shake of the head.

There is a children's game which emphasizes what
can happen to information as it is passed from one per-
son to the next. Seated around a table, one person starts
by whispering a word or a short sentence into the ear
of the person on his right. The message is passed from
one to the next to see what comes out when it has gone
all around the table. The end result, which rarely re-
sembles the starting phrase, provides great amusement.
This same sort of change in the nature of information
happens to us all the time, with results which are not
always funny. Neighborhood rumors, the well-known
office grapevine, and the children's tall tales of what
they heard at school are all subject to various types of
change along the way.

There are several techniques which can be used to

MORTY MEEKLE

Nice Try, Winthrop!

AGANGOF
WHAT V~ FREEBOOTERS
I HAPPENED TOED TO SHANGHAI
TO VOU? J ME ABOARD A
SHIP BOUND FOR
THECHINA5EAS

AGENTS OF A A
FOREIGN POWER;

BEAT ME IN A \
VAIN ATTEMPT )
TO WREST
CERTAIN
NUCLEAR

SECRETS

FROM ME

Keeping the Family Informed 115

prevent loss of information when you are talking with
your children. Their use will depend on the formality
of the situation and the type of exchange taking place.
In an office, most people would hate to be caught with-
out a pad and pencil when they are given news of the
latest salary changes. When old enough to write, chil-
dren will enjoy taking notes about things you tell them
if you encourage such a procedure. We all know how
quickly they forget such verbal messages as when the
next choir practice will be held, or where you said you
would be waiting for them after school.

When you are trying to pass on a great many details,
try to keep them in logical order. Once you have pre-
sented your story be sure to go back over the most im-
portant things. It may be helpful to have the children
give you an idea of what they have understood from

'-L FELL OUT
OF THE TREE
VOUTOLDME
NOT TO
CLIMB

Dick Cavalli, reproduced by permission of NEA Service, Inc.

116 Running a Happy Family

you, so long as this is not merely repeating your words
by rote.

Try to get your children to slow down and think of
what they are saying as they relay their reports on the
day's doings. You will do well to remember this when
you are doing the talking. No matter how well orga-
nized you are ahead of time, once under way you may-
speak too rapidly or enumerate too many things for
young minds to grasp. Whenever possible, use empha-
sis to clarify an important point. By this we do not
mean shouting or threatening. But try to stress the im-
portant words. The only things that Junior really needs
to remember from a discussion of an overdue library
book are "book," "today," and "ten-cent fine/'

Using maps, calendars, pictures, or other visual ma-
terials may help in some types of information giving.
Reference to the calendar or clock will help reinforce
through the eye what the ear has been hearing. En-
couraging children to draw maps and sketches will help
them describe things to you, and serve also to develop
artistic skill.

Sometimes we are so anxious to put across an idea
to the children that we unconsciously discourage them
from talking. They may want to listen, and be showing
keen attention, but still be afraid to interrupt for fear
of being reprimanded or of sounding stupid in front
of the others. It may be helpful for you to ask: "What
would you like me to go over again?" or "What ques-
tions does this bring up?" This should be done not only
at the end of the discussion, when a review or summary

Keeping the Family Informed 117

is in order, but during the conversation as well, so that
nothing will get lost along the way.

So many things can happen during an exchange of
information that it is hard to know which type of
change is the worst. Additions, embellishments, and
fabrications are particularly common among young
children, whose imaginations are just too active not to
embroider. No matter who is involved, inaccuracies
are likely to result as information goes from person to
person. An experiment not unlike the children's game
mentioned above is used in some business classrooms
to demonstrate the problems involved in passing on
information. Observers record what is said as a story
is relayed from one to another in a group of five or six
persons. It usually develops that there is a loss of in-
formation which follows a definite pattern, with over
fifty per cent lost in the first conversation, the loss con-
tinuing to a point where only ten to twenty per cent of
the original facts are relayed to the last person. Addi-
tions and changes may occur, too, but the loss is the
most noticeable. If this is a typical adult pattern, what
can we expect from our children?

Personality differences enter into the problem of oral
relay of information. The positive child may interpret
a tentative statement as a definite fact, whereas the
shy child may do just the opposite, passing on what
he has been told in a vague and uncertain manner.

There are several specific situations which come up
regularly in business and in the home which illustrate
the need for keeping others informed. In business, new

118 Running a Happy Family

policies and practices are introduced with care and at-
tention. The same principle should apply at home.
When parents agree on a new plan for paying allow-
ances or keeping the cellar tidy, they should apply the
above-mentioned techniques of information, and give
the new plan more than just a casual mention. If you
are in business, you know that changes in schedules or
deadlines receive a great deal of attention. But how well
do you do at home in discussing new bedtimes, or let-
ting the children know in advance that you plan to
usurp the television set for the football game during
their daily cartoon show?

It is important to tell the whole family of an impend-
ing trip or visit from Aunt Mabel just as soon as plans
are final. Like the office worker, who prefers to get the
official word rather than pick up rumors via the grape-
vine, your child should have the advantage of straight-
forward, prompt dissemination of family news from the
one source he believes unimpeachable, instead of over-
hearing it through conversational snatches which are
easily misinterpreted by his imaginative young mind.

Children cannot be expected to take on the full re-
sponsibility of keeping the family informed, but we
should encourage them to try. Parents can set a good
example by bringing home pertinent news of the neigh-
borhood, town and world. Intelligent discussion at
home of everything from local taxes and plans for a new
school to politics and foreign policy will help the chil-
dren to realize what is going on around them, and will
stimulate them to ask questions and learn more about

Keeping the Family Informed 119

life in general. The silent father preoccupied with his
television show offers his children little opportunity
to satisfy their great and natural curiosity. Whether the
news is of the family or of the outside world, it should
be exchanged in a clear and understandable manner in
order to keep the home running smoothly and to avoid
communication chaos.

.r^&o' V\

VII

Holding Family Conferences

LL ERE is A PEACEFUL SCENE. Ben Sr. is the only one at
home in the Miller household, and he could not pos-
sibly be more comfortable. Feet up, pipe in hand, a
bowl of apples at his side, and the West Coast football
championship play-off on television: master of all he
surveys, his only worry whether or not California will
block that kick. His wife Blanche has gone to market,
and the boys are in the midst of an exciting acorn war,
their shouts just far enough away to be reassuring but
not intrusive. Who could ask for anything more?

It is all very well except that it cannot last. The kick
is blocked; the announcer interrupts for station identifi-
cation—it must be five-thirty. Ben stretches comforta-
bly and is urged by a friendly face on the screen to get
himself a beer. The spell is broken by a slamming door
and excited voices. These include not only those of his

120

Holding Family Conferences 121

own two boys but also their three best friends, still
arguing about the last battle but ready to settle their
differences in front of the television, while cheering on
their common cowboy hero.

"I get the TV hassock!"

"You do not. It's my turn!"

Ben Jr. is in the lead as the Miller boys catch sight
of their father. "Hey, Dad, it's five-thirty. Okay to
switch channels?"

"Sorry, boys, I'm watching the football game." (Ben
as yet has no realization that This Is It.)

"But it's time for the Texas Kid! We always watch
it. Football games are over at five- thirty."

"Not this football game, Junior. I told you this was
on the West Coast."

Ben Jr. is almost too indignant to speak— but not
quite. "This is the Texas Kid on Granite Mountain!
Channel 3." As leader of the outfit, he takes matters in
hand and switches the knob. (At last Ben Sr. begins to
realize that he has Real Trouble.)

The back door slams and Blanche calls a cheerful
greeting. Lamb chops were surprisingly cheap because
of the late hour, and she is feeling happy and trium-
phant. She has even forgiven Ben and his football game
for usurping her regular afternoon quiz show. "Hello,
everybody! I'm home!" she calls again. "Someone want
to give me a hand with these groceries?"

But no one hears. The lines are now drawn in the
living room.

"I tell you I'm watching the football game on Chan-

122 Running a Happy Family

nel 8. You boys will just have to give up your program
this once."

"But we can't. We hafta see it this week. The Texas
Kid's in real trouble, I told you. It's much more im-
portant than an old football game."

"Now listen here, this is a championship game and
I'm watching it and this is my house! You boys stop
making a fuss and go watch it somewhere else if it's
so important." Ben rises angrily to turn the knob back
again to Channel 8.

"We can't! It's already started. Mommmeee! Dad
won't let us watch our show!" Ben Jr. is furious; his
younger brother in tears; the neighbors silent and wary,
ready to egg on their champion whenever they can, but
a little afraid of Mr. Miller's rising temper.

Blanche comes in from the kitchen, prepared to me-
diate. "What seems to be the trouble?"

Ben Jr., Mark, and their companions all join in to
tell her exactly what seems to be the trouble.

"Dad's had the TV all afternoon, and now he won't
let us watch the Texas Kid!"

"Gee whiz, it's not fair."

Two or three more echoes: "No, it's not fair!"

"For Pete's sake, Blanche, can't you straighten these
kids out? I'm watching the game and they're getting
out of hand about their silly show. It's time they learned
who's boss around here." (Is this the ideal moment to
teach them, Dad?)

Blanche's good mood vanishes. She recalls that this
was the afternoon a new challenger was to appear on

Holding Family Conferences 123

her show. "Yes, I know you're watching the game.
Come, boys, let's not disturb Mr. Miller any more now.
He's too busy with important matters. I'll make you all
some popcorn, and you two can watch TV an hour
later tonight to make up for missing this one. None
of us must disturb the Boss!"

The boys are mollified by these unusually generous
offers, but the day is spoiled for both Ben and Blanche.
The lamb chops will be consumed in hurt silence, judg-
ing by the acid in Blanche's tone, and Ben will have to
do better than make popcorn to win any friends around
the house or neighborhood for the next few days. And
all over a silly television program. Why can't his family
act like human beings over a little thing like that?

*£>.:. '''i'lii ' iJ.io/Tvi'*".iS**:3/:t 'r . /: •:"•<• s»'- .f^r>:~

If Ben Miller would consult one of the members of
his car pool, he might get some tips on how to make
his family act like human beings, even over television.
George Becker works for the same firm that Ben does,
and lives just a block away. They were both called into
company headquarters last spring for a course on con-
ference leadership. The Beckers have a more compli-
cated household than the Millers. It includes George
and his wife Marion, their teen-age daughter Ann, twin
eight-year-old boys, a baby girl, and Marion's father,
who lives with them six months of the year. The one
television set in their living room used to be the source
of many arguments, until it occurred to George to put
the conference method to work on Dogwood Drive.
Here is how it works at his house:

124 Running a Happy Family

The Becker family knows that on the evening George
comes home with the weekly television guide, their
regular TV conference is in order. Just to make sure,
Marion reminds them all at supper time to meet in the
living room at eight o'clock. Marion brings the family
engagement calendar and George produces the guide.
Grandfather and the children are given a chance to
look it over before the meeting starts.

George usually acts as leader and moderator, bring-
ing into his home all the skills he learned at the com-
pany course. He may open the discussion by reminding
everyone that although the television schedule is the
main topic, this is also a good time to bring up any
other relevant matters, such as problems of scheduling
rides, homework, or extracurricular activities for the
coming week. Ann has asked him to bring up the slum-
ber party she would like to hold next Friday. Does
Mother have any objections? Do the boys have any con-
flicting requests? Does Grandpa mind giving up his
room just this once? Now is the time to bring up any
questions or suggestions. George has jotted down a few
other notes before launching into the main discussion.
Are there any additions?

If not, where is the television guide? Make sure that
it is handy, so that no one's favorite program will be
overlooked. It is Ann's turn to be secretary— is she all
set to take notes? George employs all his best confer-
ence-leading methods and techniques as they discuss
the week's program. Each member of the family speaks
up for the shows he is most interested in. They all have

Holding Family Conferences 125

learned that in this forum they will receive a much
more impartial hearing than if they try to shout their
wishes over the noise of the television program they
hope to supplant.

As he was taught to do, George listens carefully to
all ideas, occasionally stepping in to get the discussion
back on the track or urge that the argumentative twins
pause long enough to let Grandpa be heard. Mother's
favorite opera; Grandfather's old-time movie; sister
Ann's dance band; and the twins' Western serials all
come up for review, plus any special features of the
week. Sometimes it takes a bit of juggling. If their par-
ents are going to be out on Saturday night, may the
children watch Uncle Peter's Playhouse? May the twins
stay up an hour later than usual to see the opening
night of the circus? Since Ann's midyear exams start
Monday, she will have to go to bed before her regular
quiz show. Perhaps Grandpa would enjoy seeing the
fight that night for a change?

Occasionally there is no way to resolve a conflict ex^
cept to take a vote. The twins have learned to get to-
gether on this if on nothing else. George winds up the
conference by asking for questions, having Ann read
back the schedule as it is now worked out, and making
sure that everyone agrees. Any other topics which have
been suggested are handled in the same manner, and
the Becker family is ready for the week's activities,
television and otherwise, with a minimum of arguing.
Thanks to their weekly conference, they manage to
stay friends in spite of television.

126 Running a Happy Family

DO'S AND DON'TS OF HOLDING
CONFERENCES

DO'S:

1. Hold a Conference to Plan Family Activities and
Policies. Both regularly scheduled meetings and those
called for a special purpose can be a real help to better
understanding within the family. Such meetings make
it possible for everyone to get a fair hearing, and to air
their views and grievances. They also provide an op-
portunity to settle family questions in a friendly way,
as George Becker learned when he brought home what
he had learned at work about conference leadership.
Through participation in family meetings you can
teach, train and develop your children. They can learn
from you how to disagree without losing friends or
holding grudges, and, best of all, can learn not to "go
away mad."

2. Plan and Prepare in Advance for All Conferences.
Be sure of the main purpose of the meeting, and that
all who will be present know just what it is. If you are
in charge, plan a convenient time and place and let
everyone know about it ahead of time. Prepare the
agenda, also in advance if possible. As leader, have some
kind of guide in the form of mental or written notes,
and see that any necessary equipment is available. The
fact that the Becker family was well prepared, with
comfortable surroundings and the necessary television
guide and calendar, contributed to the success of their
conference.

Holding Family Conferences 127

3. Encourage Active Participation From Everyone
Who Is Present. Use leading questions to encourage
participation, and be sure to give genuine consideration
to all opinions. Giving the children their chance to
speak is of no value unless they feel that some atten-
tion is being paid to what they have to say. After a
thorough discussion, the leader should guide the group
to evaluate the results. A vote may be the most ap-
propriate means to insure that all take part in the de-
cision as well as the discussion. Participation by all leads
to better understanding and sounder decisions, and
children learn more about making their own decisions
if they have a chance to contribute in such a way at
home. All members of George Becker's family took part
in the television conference except the baby— when she
learns to talk she will be urged to participate too!

4. Listen Actively and Speak Clearly, as Leader or
Participant. Children must learn to keep alert and to
listen to the opinions of others whether they want to
or not. They can also learn from your example to use
facts and concrete examples as a means of strengthening
their case and making their points understandable.
Through holding regular family conferences as the
Becker family does, this valuable training is easily ab-
sorbed; whereas no one listened to anyone else during
the free-for-all over television in the Miller household
which resulted in antagonism and hurt feelings.

128 Running a Happy Family

DON'TS:

1. Don't Try to Settle Important Family Matters
Without Consulting Every Member. It is difficult to
settle anything by consulting one person at a time in a
haphazard way. The Beckers have learned that it is
much easier and more effective to get everyone together
and get a consensus whether the problem is unusual
or routine. As we saw in the Miller household, a last-
minute rearrangement of the television schedule may
lead to quarrels and bad feeling if there has been no
advance consultation.

2. Don't Dominate a Conference by Being an Auto-
cratic Leader. As leader, would-be leader, or willing
participant, try to be aware of the whole group instead
of being self-centered. If a conference is to be successful,
each member must listen to the opinions of others and
keep his own mind open. The leader in particular must
restrain his urge to jump into the conversation. This is
particularly hard when children are involved, but
vitally important, as George Becker and his family have
learned, both through his training in conference leader-
ship and through their own experience with regular
family conferences at home.

3. Don't Be Afraid to Voice Your Opinions or to Ask
Questions. Whether you are the leader or the newest
member of the group, do not hold back for fear of be-
ing laughed at or talked down. If you have a tolerant,
co-operative attitude toward the opinions of others,
they will usually reciprocate. Even the ideally dem-

Holding Family Conferences 129

ocratic leader has a right to state his feelings and opin-
ions, as long as he does not force them on the group.
By example, parents can show their children that even
the silliest-sounding suggestions may have some merit
and deserve consideration if they are offered in a sin-
cere manner. Three generations take part in the Becker
family meetings, and each member has learned to
"speak up in meeting" thanks to George's encouraging
attitude, and the interest shown by the others.

4. Don't Let a Conference Dissolve Into an Aimless
Discussion. It is important for the parent or leader to
keep the meeting moving in the right direction, if he
can do so in a democratic way. Even the most informal
session should be prevented from going too far afield
to be of value. The leader must guide and control the
discussion and keep it to the point. In so doing, he
should summarize, interpret if necessary, and analyze
frequently what the others have said. He must keep
the purpose in mind at all times, and urge the other
members to do the same. And difficult as it is when
children are among the participants, he should try to
shut off the chatterboxes and the ones who enjoy bick-
ering, as George has learned to do with his twin sons.

* * *

Figures available on the percentage of time spent in
conferences by the average businessman show that such
meetings play a most important part in the whole com-
munications system. It is also evident that employee
participation in making decisions and forming policy
results in high morale and efficient job performance.

130 Running a Happy Family

In the home, just as in business, in the community, and
in our government, one-man rule is on the wane. It
may be amusing to read about the days of Life With
Father, but we recognize that this is a period picture,
no longer reflecting the life of a typical American
household. In the home as in business, participation by
all members of the family— or at least by all those who
can talk— in meetings and conferences leads to better un-
derstanding and sounder decisions on policy making
and problem solving.

Another notable change is seen in methods of han-
dling children at school. The degree of freedom of ac-
tion allowed schoolchildren is so much greater than
that of Father's day that only conflict can result in the
family which resists this increasing latitude through the
use of autocratic rule at home.

There are several types of meetings and conferences
in business which can be used at home in an informal
way. In a business corporation, major policy decisions
are often reached through the regular staff meeting.
Department chiefs, advisors, and operating heads usu-
ally participate in a staff meeting, and while the top-
ranking man present may run the meeting, still the
entire group runs the business.

At home the staff meeting in the form of a regular
family get-together can also be of value. In some circum-
stances, it may be just the two parents who sit down
after church on Sunday to talk about immediate plans
or long-range projects for the family; clothing to buy;
the bank account that needs balancing; or any other

Holding Family Conferences 131

question of this nature. Better still, the whole family
may take part in a conference to discuss the weekend
plans, to decide what chores need to be done, and to
agree on who will do them. Policies as to the use of the
back-yard sandbox, the family car or television may be
worked out; or Father may use the time to help the
boys with their knot tying or carpentry projects.

At first glance, the regularly scheduled staff meeting
may seem too formal for family use, but it need not be.
One advantage it has over haphazard meetings is that
the children know that they will have an opportunity
to present their ideas and get a democratic hearing.
They will look forward to the chance to talk with their
parents about camping trips or museum expeditions,
and eventually realize that this is a better way to put
their ideas across than by shouting them to Mother
while she is hanging out the weekly wash.

Just as in business situations, there are also times
when family meetings have to be called for special rea-
sons. Such meetings do not necessarily involve the
whole family every time. How many people take part
will depend on the nature of the problem or situation
under discussion, but the main difference between fam-
ily conferences and the interviews which we discussed
in Chapter II is that usually more than two people
are involved.

The special meeting or conference may also involve
relatives, friends, or neighbors. (For our purposes it
makes no difference whether the last two are synony-
mous.) Neighborhood disputes may be settled at such

132 Running a Happy Family

meetings, and agreement reached on rules. Schedules
for driving the boys on the block to scout meetings or
baseball practice can best be worked out by the whole
group involved, including the children.

Consider holding a conference when you have to
establish unpopular rules for your children and their
friends. It may help you in telling them that they can-
not fly kites from the roof; that they are not to run
through Mrs. Kelly's flower garden; or that there must
be no ball playing in front of the picture window. If
such rules are discussed in the presence of other chil-
dren and parents, many questions and conflicts can be
avoided. Your own children will realize that they are
not the only ones subjected to harsh regulations. If all
the children and parents involved can talk together
about the problems and dangers of stringing wires
across the street for a telegraph set, the budding inven-
tor will be less able to put pressure on a reluctant
father, and may even be persuaded to try his Morse
code with mirrors instead.

We are not concerned in this book with meetings
and committee or club work outside the home, but we
do want to point out that many of the principles set
forth are applicable and worth consideration by par-
ents who are involved in community activities.

All conferences require some advance planning. Such
preparations as advance notice to participants, a clearly
stated purpose and agenda, and detailed outlines of
new policies or practices contribute a great deal to the
success of a business conference. The same principle

Holding Family Conferences 133

applies at home whenever a meeting seems to be the
best solution to a particular problem, or at the regular
weekly meeting time. Be sure that all who will attend
know just what you have planned. It may be better to
cancel the weekly meeting if there is nothing worth
talking about. Let the children know that you plan to
discuss a summer work schedule, or tell the neighbors
that a new scout committee for your district is being
formed. Sometimes it is helpful to take the time to
write out your own ideas of the purpose of the meeting.

Within the family the personalities of the group are
well known, and behavior can be predicted fairly ac-
curately. But if the neighbors are involved, it may be
worth while to make an effort to analyze the people
who will take part in the conference. Make a mental
note that John Schmidt never opens his mouth if he
can help it, and be prepared to deal with that argumen-
tative Mr. Wilson next door. Others may be overly
talkative, obstinate, or complaining. One of your ad-
vance tasks should be to figure out how to handle each
one if he causes his own brand of trouble.

Planning what topics are to be covered is an impor-
tant part of preparing for a conference. The people
who are to meet should participate in this if possible.
The agenda for a formal conference may be written
down and distributed. Where the family group alone is
concerned, this is probably unnecessary, as long as one
parent has a definite idea of what is to be discussed. An
outline or leader's guide, in the form of written or men-

134 Running a Happy Family

tal notes, will help insure that no part of the agenda
is forgotten once the meeting is under way.

Other advance preparations for meetings should in-
clude adequate notice to all concerned of the time and
place; choosing an appropriate location for the meeting
where comfortable surroundings are assured; and pro-
viding any necessary equipment such as paper, pencils,
and calendar.

Conference leadership is the concern of many adult
self-development courses. This is a big subject, par-
ticularly for the business manager whose skill in it
may lead to a successful career. Observation of the dem-
ocratic process is the most important single principle of
leadership which he must learn. The amount of par-
ticipation by the group will depend on the attitude of
the leader. A conference dominated by an autocratic
leader will not leave anyone happy or satisfied with
what is accomplished.

When the chief purpose of the meeting is to instruct
or inform, the parent or leader may have to talk quite
a bit. But whenever problems are to be solved, or de-
cisions made, the leader should encourage participation
and restrain his own urge to jump into the conversation
every time he sees an opening. Children should be
urged to contribute, and their ideas should be given
real consideration. When there is a difference of opin-
ion, taking a vote may be the only way in which the
matter can be settled amicably.

Through a family conference, such matters as pick-
ing a name for a new pet can become a group decision,

Holding Family Conferences 135

acceptable to all, instead of the object of bickering and
strife. The technique known as "brainstorming," a type
of group creativity which has been tried in business to
produce new ideas, can be applied in modified form
in the home. Whether group creativity is superior to
that of individuals is open to question in the world
of science and business, but we know that children will
gleefully spur one another on to imaginative heights
with a slight amount of direction and control from a
parent or leader. In the brainstorming process anything
goes at first— the crazier the suggestions for the new
dog's name the better. The leader should write them
all down, and encourage the children to think of as
many names as possible, and not to hold back for fear
of ridicule. They will enjoy this, probably to the point
of silliness at times, but might very well be expected
to produce forty or fifty names in a short time. The
next step is to go back over the list to see whether still
more names are suggested by those already written
down. The leader's main responsibility is to encourage
each child to contribute at least one or two names, and
to make general suggestions as to the type of name they
may want to consider. He should have them narrow the
list down, and consider voting for the final selection.
Generally the solution will be a happy one because the
children have been allowed free play of the imagina-
tion, in which they delight and excel.

A brief gathering of the family clan may be helpful
prior to the arrival of guests. Even if the occasion is a
simple one, such as the grandparents' coming out for

136 Running a Happy Family

dinner, it may be well to make sure that everyone
knows about it and is appropriately scrubbed and pol-
ished. If the visit is for a weekend, a longer conference
may be needed to discuss sleeping and eating arrange-
ments, schedule changes, and any special habits, likes,
or idiosyncrasies of the visitors.

Whether a conference is simple or complex, the par-
ent as leader should give some thought to the leadership
skills emphasized in business. He must start and guide
the discussion, and make sure that all take part. He
should not appear to be self-centered, but may present
his views for group consideration just as he encourages
the children to do. Most important, he must listen. He
should keep the purpose of the meeting in mind at all
times, and not let it deteriorate into aimless prattle or
inappropriate complaint. It is difficult enough in a
meeting of adults for the leader to keep from dominat-
ing the discussion, but when children are involved, it
may seem almost impossible. But the fact remains that
it is the leader's behavior that determines whether or
not the group reaches a true democratic decision.

Let us run through some of the mechanics of leading
a conference which are automatically applied in busi-
ness. At first these techniques may seem too formal for
use in the family or neighborhood meeting, but we
believe that many of them will prove helpful even in
the simplest situation, and that a businesslike approach
will be of value no matter what the occasion.

When all members of the group have gathered, first
put them at ease, remind them of the purpose of the

Holding Family Conferences 137

meeting, and briefly review the topic to be discussed.
Appoint one of the children to act as secretary and take
notes. The leader may then present the facts, his opin-
ions if appropriate, and some general or specific ques-
tions for the group to answer, as a means of encouraging
everyone to participate. If necessary, he may introduce
visual aids to help the discussion.

From this point on, the parent or leader should more
or less sit back and let the others talk. He may have to
repeat statements of others to be sure that they are cor-

Drawing by George Price, (g) 1959 The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.
"A copy of Robert's 'Rules of Order.' "

138 Running a Happy Family

rectly understood by all, or summarize youthful ram-
blings. He may wish to ask questions or opinions of
the silent members, or shut off the more loquacious
ones. It may also be necessary when children are pres-
ent not only to guide the discussion and keep it under
control, but also to act as a mediator and policeman if
any physical violence breaks out, as we have seen hap-
pen in our family.

When it appears that all relevant opinions and facts
have been stated, it is up to the leader to guide the
group to evaluate them. Try to have the children work
out a consensus or a solution. After an agreement is
reached on what is to be done, discuss any action that
may be necessary, or simply close the meeting.

A parent can also set a good example as a participant
in the conference whenever he or she is not acting as
the leader. You may have recognized that leading the
meeting requires tact and skill, without thinking about
the responsibilities of participation. Anyone who has
led meetings will agree that the attitude and manner
of the people attending is what makes things easy or
difficult. Co-operation, tolerance of other people's opin-
ions, awareness of the group, open-mindedness, and
tact are all important. Children find it particularly hard
to learn how to listen to the opinions of others, and it
is even more difficult for them to compromise or yield
completely than it is for their elders. They must be
shown that they can disagree without being tactless or
unpleasant; and they must learn to accept cheerfully the

Holding Family Conferences 139

decision of the group even when they do not agree
with it.

In addition to listening actively and remaining alert,
they should be encouraged by your example to speak
distinctly and stick to the point in hand. Show them
how to use facts and examples, to give sincere opinions,
and to make their points in an understandable way.
Parents should be alert to all of the opportunities pro-
vided by the family conference. A child can be made to
accept a suggestion more readily when carried along
by the group spirit than if the same suggestion is made
to him alone. Some of the above procedures may seem
farfetched when applied to a meeting of six- and eight-
year-old children, but informal "buzz sessions" and even
formal meetings can be considered developmental tools
for children, just as the leadership of conferences has
become one of the chief skills of management develop-
ment in industry. Try a formal conference to make
plans for your next family weekend trip, keeping the
above fundamentals in mind. The results may come as
a pleasant surprise.

VIII

Planning for the Family

NOT LONG AGO Louise and Carl Gilbert read an article
which described the joys and advantages of starting a
garden as a family project. Now, having just moved into
their new home, with the back yard not yet seeded, they
see an ideal opportunity. "It's something we can all
do together this year," they agree. "It will give the chil-
dren a chance to learn to work as a group."

On the first sunny Saturday, Carl dashes off to the
hardware store, full of spring fever and enthusiasm.
Returning home, he breaks the good news to his fam-
ily. "Say, everybody, come see what I got uptown— seeds
for our garden!"

His four children, ranging in age from five to twelve,
cluster around him to see the seed packets. Nine-year-
old Chic makes the first grab. "Can I have the radishes?
I love radishes!"

140

Planning for the Family 141

"Me too," chimes in younger brother Bill. "Can I
have some too?"

"Where are the flowers?"

"Oooh, corn! Lemme have the corn."

"Stop it, Kenny! I had it first."

The rising voices bring Louise in from the porch.
"Now, now, everybody. This is a family garden. Let's
take the seeds outdoors and see where they'll all go.
It's a perfect day to start the garden."

"But where are the flowers?" Peggy insists. The eld-
est child and only girl in the family, Peggy has a mind
of her own.

"Sorry, Peg, no flowers. There won't be room if we
want to grow all these vegetables."

"Gee, some garden!" grumbles Peggy. "I hate vege-
tables." With no further interest in the "family" gar-
den, she returns to her mystery story. (First casualty.
Too bad Carl closed his mind to the possibility of a few
flowers.)

Carl and Louise and the three boys file out into the
back yard to survey the terrain. "Now let's see— this
flat strip across the back is the best place, I guess. You
boys run and get the tools and we'll get right at
it."

But the boys are busy forming their own plans for
the garden, each with a slightly different idea.

"Where do the peas go?"

"How about a rock garden?"

"Can I plant the corn? Where's the corn?"

142 Running a Happy Family

"Kenny has all the seeds. Hey, Kenny, gimme the
peas!"

Five-year-old Kenny refuses angrily. "They're my
peas. Where's my garden?" (None of this is quite what
Carl had in mind.)

"Let's not argue, boys. We're nowhere near ready for
the seeds. First we have to get the ground ready. We'll
need the hoe, and the spade, and both rakes. You boys
go find them while I measure it off here."

Bill and Chic manage to dig up the spade and one
rake. Kenny returns, clutching a small trowel, and drag-
ging the snow shovel. As the older two begin to argue
over the rake, Louise steps in, trying hard to get things
organized. "Wait a minute, boys. Let's figure out how
we're going to work it. Shall we divide up the space so
that each one takes care of his own plants?" (Nice try,
but not in keeping with Carl's idea at all.)

"No, no, we'll all share the work just as we share the
vegetables. That's the real family way— just one big
garden for everyone." Unaware of this philosophy,
Kenny is now digging away in a far corner with his
trowel, humming to himself, "My garden is the best
garden 'cause it's my garden."

Chic and Bill raise their usual objections: "But I
want just radishes."

"I want radishes too, and I want corn."

"No, boys, that is not the way to go about it. We'll
start with the peas, because they're the earliest. Let's
see— early peas— mid to late March. Hmmm— guess we

Planning for the Family 143

should have had them in a few weeks ago at that."
(First realization that this might have been planned
better, Carl?)

"Never mind, we'll just have them a little late this
year. They'll still be good." With this, Louise returns
to the house, feeling that she has contributed all that
she can at this stage.

"It says that the corn should be planted in hills three
feet apart," Chic offers. "Will we have enough room,
Dad?"

"Not quite enough, I guess. Maybe we'd better skip
the corn this year." (The crows would probably eat it
anyway.)

"Gee whiz, we gotta have corn! I love corn."

"Now look here, boys, we won't have anything if we
don't get going here. I'll turn over the soil and you can
all follow me with the rakes." Chic and Bill resume
their running argument over the lone rake. Bill loses
out and goes off angry, leaving Carl and Chic to put
in an hour of hard work, punctuated by a few unsuc-
cessful attempts to get Bill back and to get Kenny to
join in. Exhausted by the unaccustomed exercise, Carl
retreats to the house to rest up a bit, calling again to
Bill to help Chic with the lumps and stones.

On his return he finds the back yard deserted except
for Kenny, who is happily pouring out all of the seed
packets into neat holes in his small garden. By this time
Carl is both lame and discouraged. He concludes that
the whole garden idea is hopeless, that his family is
too disorganized for such a project. This was not at all

144 Running a Happy Family

the way the article described it. What's the matter with
this family, anyway?

Perhaps the most puzzling aspect of the failure of
the Gilberts to start a family vegetable garden is the
fact that Carl himself put so little thought into how to
launch such a project. It hardly seems necessary to pro-
test that he really knows how to plan a venture when
we find that as manager of the local office of a large in-
surance company, he is supervisor of twelve salesmen
and a clerical staff of thirty-five girls. Planning ahead,
assembling and organizing his resources to carry
through his plans, and checking up to make sure that
they are being carried through effectively, is such a fun-
damental part of this job that he never has to think
about it.

Carl's planning responsibilities include everything
from the long-range goal of establishing quotas for his
sales force for the coming year to such immediate ob-
jectives as getting everything ready for the regular
monthly visit from the district manager, or simply
finding enough time to eat lunch during a busy day of
appointments and conferences.

Let us look over Carl's shoulder as he prepares to
greet the district manager, Harold Craig. He assem-
bles all the sales reports they will need to go over to-
gether; his figures on expenses and the hours each
person on the staff has put in during the past month;
the charts prepared by headquarters on the predicted
sales over a six-month period; and finally his notes on

Planning for the Family 145

the new data-processing machine he has asked to have
installed this spring.

When Carl and Harold sit down to go over the
monthly reports they may have several objectives in
mind. The content of the reports is not news to either
of them, but they both know the value of analyzing
the figures together. Perhaps there is a problem con-
cerning the work force. The graphs show that a five
per cent increase in the number of accounts over last
year is anticipated. Can the present staff handle this
increase? Or should another girl be hired? Will there
be any personnel losses during the next few months as
far as anyone knows? How many hours have been allo-
cated to train the girls who will use the new machine?
And to what extent will the machine increase the
hourly output? After careful analysis of present and
future needs, Carl and Harold make plans to hire one
additional girl.

Next they may proceed to a discussion of the new
machine. Where will it be located? Will it crowd the
girls at that end of the office? They go over the various
alternatives in the light of the most efficient use of
existing space and of convenience to all the girls con-
cerned. By the time their interview is over, Carl and
Harold may have touched on half a dozen more topics,
large and small, all related to their mutual interest in
the business. Both men have been trained to plan ahead
and to organize their time, personnel, and physical
resources effectively as a means of running an efficient
and productive insurance office. The Gilberts' garden

146 Running a Happy Family

would have been off to a better start if Carl had thought
to bring some of this training home with him for back-
yard application.

PLANNING DO'S AND DON'TS

DO'S:

1. Plan Your Course of Action in Advance. When
Carl Gilbert impulsively dashed off to the hardware
store without consulting the rest of his family, he went
counter to all he had learned at work about planning
and organizing. The children were bound to wrangle
about seeds and tools if no advance thought was given
to what each one wanted, and what each was to do. At
the office, Carl looks several months ahead on matters
of personnel and equipment. Surely the summer-long
garden project merited at least a half -hour conference,
and a brief review of the garden books.

2. Keep Your Plans Simple and Flexible. One reason
why the garden project failed was that Carl was unwill-
ing to change the vague and ambitious plan he had in
his own mind. Peggy's interest could have been held
by adding a few pansies; Kenny would have been happy
with one packet of seeds and a corner all his own; Lou-
ise and the other two boys had an idea or two to con-
tribute if given half a chance. At his desk, Carl gives
consideration to other people's ideas and suggestions,
whether they come from the district manager or the
office boy. Why not show the same flexibility at home?

3. Use an Analytical Approach to Planning. Because

Planning for the Family 147

Carl did not stop to analyze in advance what would be
needed to get a garden off to a good start, he was un-
able to see what caused his project to fail. He would
have done better to sit down with his family and de-
termine their needs and wants as well as the methods
for carrying them out, just as he did with Harold Craig
at the office. From eight to five, Monday through Fri-
day, Carl gathers facts, analyzes alternatives, decides
on a plan, and arranges to carry it out. Why not apply
the same methods on Saturday?

DON'TS:

1. Don't Launch a Project Without Checking All
Your Resources. At the insurance office, Carl and his
district manager considered personnel, methods, space,
equipment, and time when they laid their plans for
the months to come. It is all too obvious that Carl did
not think of any of these important factors when he
planned a garden that was a) started too late for peas; b)
too small for corn; and c) prepared by members of his
family whose degrees of interest varied and who were
inadequately equipped with tools.

2. Don't Abandon a Good Idea Because of the Lack
of an Over-all Plan. Basically, the Gilberts' idea of a
family garden was an excellent one. But because it was
not planned and organized in advance, all the minor
things that went wrong combined to make it fail. An
over-all plan which spelled out each person's respon-
sibilities, the time sequence, and the methods to be

148 Running a Happy Family

used would have saved the project, spared Carl's dis-
appointment, and kept the family in vegetables.

3. Don't Overlook the Importance of a Follow-up.
Be sure to check to see that the results conform as
nearly as possible to the original plan. Carl could hardly
expect his boys to finish the soil preparation on their
own when he went off and left them just when they
most needed his encouragement. Tired or no, he should
have supervised this part more closely, even if the com-
pletion of the job had to be postponed to another day.
At the office, he has learned to establish standards and
to check on performance with every project his staff
undertakes. This is an equally important principle for

him to apply at home.

* * *

No business can operate for long without some kind
of planning and the organization necessary to carry out
the plan. Nearly all business problems can be attributed
to poor planning, lack of organization, or inadequate
control of the operation. Critical comments are heard
too about the housewife who is a "poor planner" or
''completely disorganized." In business there are many
guideposts to efficient management, and the modern
businessman devotes much time and money to the study
of how he can more effectively plan and organize to
do a better job. But what help is offered to the long-
suffering housewife? No management training course
is available to her; no textbook provides a ready answer
to all her problems. And yet, like the manager whose
balance sheet or income statement leaves something to

Planning for the Family 149

be desired, she too recognizes the need for help on
many occasions. The manager is more fortunate in
that he can be transferred to another job to get away
from his daily pressures if they become too great, but
the lady of the house cannot change jobs. She is com-
mitted to make the best of it right where she is. What
then can she do to improve matters at home?

Planning is the most important practical part of run-
ning home or office. Everything the housewife or the
businessman does is part of some kind of plan. A plan
is a projected course of action. Proper planning,
whether it is determining production figures at the
factory or the supper menu at home, requires deciding
in advance what shall be done. Mother may occasionally
reach for the peanut butter and a loaf of bread as part
of her last-resort meal preparation, but even this is one
kind of planning. A plan may be formed to fix day-to-
day or even hour-to-hour schedules. Or a plan may es-
tablish long-range policies or goals, map programs, or
determine specific methods and procedures.

The business textbooks talk of various types of plans
which can be applied in the office or factory. We think
they are equally applicable at home. Just as the sales-
man has his quota, for example, we should think in
terms of certain goals for the home. A goal, or uni-
versally understood statement of purpose, may be ap-
plied to various aspects of running the household.
Balancing the budget, or planning one vacation per
year away from home, is a worthy goal, even if one sel-
dom seems to attain it.

150 Running a Happy Family

Another type of plan provides a continuing guide to
business or home operations. The long-range goal of
balancing the budget, mentioned above, requires de-
termining in advance certain methods or policies of
savings or bookkeeping which will help us achieve it.
This is the type of plan which may be used over and
over again, or continuously.

A third type of plan is the project which is a distinct
unit in itself, either short-term or long-range as the
situation may demand. Within the family budget frame-
work, we may establish a special money-raising scheme
or a savings plan for Junior's bicycle or summer camp.
Such special projects should fit into the over-all family
plan.

A plan should be based on a clearly defined objective,
and should include standards for its achievement. It
should be flexible and simple, and should make use of
available resources. Good planning, as opposed to the
peanut-butter-sandwich approach, requires time, de-
termined effort, and an unselfish attitude. Father should
not close his mind to all interests but his own love of
fishing when planning a vacation, and Mother should
be as objective as possible when considering what to
include in the family budget. Just as a successful busi-
ness has no room for snap judgments or hasty decisions,
similarly emotional hunches or selfish whims have no
part in the planning procedures of the well-run home.

Planning requires an analytical approach. Do you
have budgetary problems and do they need attention?
"Always" is the universal reply. But mere recognition

Planning for the Family 151

of the existence of this ever-pressing household stum-
bling block is not enough. We must proceed beyond
this point in order to isolate and clarify the trouble
spots.

Still thinking in terms of the budget as a typical
planning venture, the next step is to see what alterna-
tives there are. More money or go hungry, we may say.
And then we stop and throw up our hands. But if we
can overcome this emotional impasse long enough to
uncover additional alternatives, we can then assemble
the facts and analyze the courses of action suggested by
each.

Of course, all family planning is not that simple. A
few general statements will not balance your budget
or ours. But a more scientific approach to such a plan
may keep us from family spats and general misunder-
standing. A plan provides a deterrent to irrational ac-
tion. Once it is agreed on, the family budget may have
to be changed occasionally, but at least its very existence
helps keep the temptation of the moment from interfer-
ing with our long-range objective of making ends meet.
It provides some guidance when we see the attractive
new spring clothes in the window downtown. Before we
rush in to buy a complete Easter outfit, at least we may
hesitate long enough to ask ourselves: "Is it in the
budget?" or "What can I cut out in order to afford
this?"

An over-all plan will prevent minor crises from in-
terfering with the achievement of long-term projects.
Mopping up the milk the baby spilled just when you

152 Running a Happy Family

are serving a well-planned meal to your hungry off-
spring may delay the meal slightly, but need not throw
the whole family into a state of confusion. If we are
disorganized and have no general plan or schedule at
all, such incidents make matters far worse. We may
be unavoidably delayed when we plan to leave for the
shore by nine o'clock, or to get the children off to
school by eight-thirty sharp, but at least we have some-
thing to aim for. By following a regular schedule we
will undoubtedly have the youngsters in school on time
more often than if we let them drift along on their
own. It sometimes seems as though they might never
make it at all without some effort on Mother's part.

With some systematized procedure we can keep the
job from running us. We are critical of the business-
man who does nothing but "put out fires." He is the
fellow who never seems able to follow any plan for
getting his work done because something is always
coming up to interfere. His counterpart in the next
office may have comparable problems, but because he
has carefully scheduled his own time as well as that of
those who work for him, he never seems to be in a rush
and he usually meets his deadlines. This may be a mat-
ter of personality differences, but it is more likely to
be a matter of training, self-discipline, and intelligent
planning.

We all know people who seem disorganized all the
time. They ask their more efficient friends: "How do
you do it, with all those children?" We all have our
planning and organizing to do, whether it is merely a

Reg Hider, Christian Science Monitor
"Are you sure you wouldn't like peaches?"

154 Running a Happy Family

list of things to do for the day, which can be written
down over coffee after the children have left for school,
or something worked out after much family discussion.
Organizing is the grouping of necessary activities which
will allow you to carry out your plans. It gives struc-
ture to the plan and is a guide to carrying it to comple-
tion.

The good planner in business rarely runs out of ma-
terial or tools to do his job. One criterion of the
successful housewife is the state of the family larder.
No last-minute trips to the store for coffee; no hasty
calls to Father at the office to bring home a loaf of
bread. At least Father does not get many such calls if
Mother is doing an efficient job— he is more likely to
have the shopping list in his pocket when he leaves for
work.

After Mother has planned the family menus she
cannot sit back and assume that the job is done. She has
work to do. She must think in terms of what is avail-
able, to carry out her plans. Will there be anyone at
home to help shell the peas? Will there be enough room
in the kitchen for baking if the week's ironing is still
spread around? Is there enough flour for a cake, and
a large enough kettle for the stew? Is there time for the
frozen strawberries to thaw? And where is the recipe
for Father's favorite frosting?

This example of the essentials of good domestic or-
ganizing may seem oversimplified, but the point is that
no matter what you are planning you must think in
terms of people to help, work space and facilities, ma-

Planning for the Family 155

terials, tools or equipment, methods, and— most im-
portant— time. Without at least fleeting consideration
of all these elements a good plan for your Sunday din-
ner may never come off.

It is not enough merely to consider what is at your
disposal to help carry out your plans. It is also impor-
tant to use these resources efficiently. It is here that we
separate the calm of the organized household from the
chaotic bedlam of the well-planned but ineptly run
home.

Business people spend a lot of time in finding how
to make the most of their human resources. A success-
ful business carefully defines each worker's respon-
sibilities and his relationship to the organization, and
makes sure that there is no one on the payroll who has
nothing to do. At home we may not need an organiza-
tion chart, but we should be aware of children's capa-
cities, training, and weaknesses as we organize the daily
task of running family affairs. Make the best use of the
talent available, meager as it may seem when your chil-
dren are young. Are you babying your youngest child?
Can he do more to help? Does he want to? Is six-year-
old Danny big enough to put the trash into the inciner-
ator? Now that Sue has her driver's license, can she run
some of the errands? Getting things done through
others should be part of your planning, as pointed out
in Chapter V on delegation. Working together with
your children will produce the best results, and afford
an opportunity for training and development. In this
manner they will also learn to respect and appreciate

156 Running a Happy Family

what it takes to keep the household in good working
order.

Unless you are rattling around in a twenty-room
mansion you probably feel that your work space is in-
adequate. Have you surveyed it to see how it can be
expanded? Is there room in the kitchen for Father to
put up another shelf? Since your own bedroom closet
is overcrowded, how about using Junior's for the sum-
mer things? He has so few things— clothes, that is. How
much extra walking are you doing because of the ar-
rangement of the kitchen? It is not necessary to be an
efficiency engineer to see household short cuts. Just
take a careful look around you. What have you done
to provide space for the children to do their homework?
Does Father have a work-bench area where he can make
household repairs easily, or does every job take half
an hour longer than necessary because he has to clear
a space and round up the tools he needs? We are all
too likely to go on doing things the same way for years
without stopping to analyze whether it is the best and
easiest way. One caution, though, Father— try to be
tactful when you show Mother how inefficient she has
been not to make better use of all that space under the
sink. There is no need to sacrifice domestic harmony
for the sake of a few cubic feet of storage space.

In the shop or office, extensive study and training
programs insure the best use of tools and equipment.
At home we seldom give enough time and study to
efficient use of the various household appliances and
conveniences we have at hand. There are always some

Planning for the Family 157

shiny new ones we would like to have, if only the
budget would permit. But in the meantime are we
using the ones we have properly? How do we store our
equipment? Is it convenient? Perhaps it is true that we
have insufficient space, as most of us would maintain.
If so, that is all the more reason for organizing our
equipment properly in what space we have. Are the
things we use every day handy, and the once-a-month
items on the back of the shelf?

The matter of equipment also comes into a long-term
budgeting plan. At home we do not do enough of the
thoughtful study that goes into equipment planning in
business. The factory manager does not keep an obso-
lete machine which is now a time-consuming liability
or an operating danger. He weighs what each piece of
equipment is producing against the output and cost of
newer, more modern machinery. Similarly at home,
despite the ever-existing family debt, we should some-
times consider purchasing a new washing machine or a
new car to save money. There may be all kinds of haz-
ards, expenses, and liabilities involved in continuing
to use worn-out equipment, particularly if it is elec-
trical. We do not suggest that because the three-year-old
car needs two new tires it would be less expensive to
buy the new four-thousand-dollar miracle in the dealer's
window; only that it is a good idea to take a close look
now and then at the tools you now are using to run
the household.

In business most routine operations are carried out
according to stated methods and procedures. The armed

158 Running a Happy Family

forces spell out to the last wiggle of the little finger
how things are to be done, to the extent that "How to
Build a Box" may be the subject of a thirty-six page
manual. At home we have available to us books on
child care, cooking, gardening, and carpentry, but what
guide have we to efficiency in other routine chores?
Think about the family washing, for example. If you
have a clothes drier, do you still take time to hang out
the clothes every sunny day? Do you know whether or
not it is really more efficient to dig the dandelions by
hand instead of using weedkiller?

All this leads to the most important single item of
organization— time. To some extent everything we
have discussed involves the best use of this essential
commodity. There are not enough hours in the day,
we all agree. But what are you doing about budgeting
the hours you have? If necessary, deadlines should be
established, study schedules checked, and Father's week-
ends organized in advance to allow some time for
relaxation as well as work.

The balance between human resources and available
physical facilities will need a review now and then.
How much is Mother's time worth? Because time saved
for her does not mean more production and more
money in the bank, as it would in business, we may
not feel it necessary to put it into monetary terms. But
the well-run house with the well-organized housewife
undoubtedly gets a good return on investment in the
form of happiness and satisfaction. How much is it
worth to save half an hour a day with an automatic

Planning for the Family 159

washing machine? This does not have to be translated
into dollars, but it might be an interesting experiment
to figure the cost of a new machine over a period of
months and contrast it with time Mother now spends
with the family wash. Whether or not you figure it in
terms of dollars and cents, never overlook the boost it
might give to her morale.

In giving structure to our plans through organizing,
there are certain mechanical aids which may help us
get things done. Lists of jobs or schedules made out
daily or weekly, with priorities allocated for each, may
keep us from a frustrated feeling of not knowing what
to fly at first. Many times there seems to be so much
to do that we sit down helplessly and do nothing. Some
of this time could be better spent in analyzing which
things should be done first; how long each one will
take; and which ones could be completed quickly and
easily as a means of balancing the work schedule. What
can a good wife do when Father states on Saturday
morning that he wants to wash the car, clean out the
garage, mow the lawn, paint the bathroom and repair
the radio, and that he just does not see how he can get
it all done? Lead him gently to his easy chair and start
over again. Which of the jobs has he really set his heart
on completing by Sunday evening? How about leaving
a little time for fun? And what will happen if the
Frenches stop by to discuss the next P.T.A. meeting?
If there is no room in Father's plan for such interrup-
tions the weekend may be spoiled for the whole family.

It is helpful to establish some kind of a reasonable

160 Running a Happy Family

schedule for each day, with time allowed for all the
necessary jobs— and preferably for eating and sleeping
as well. At the end of the day, review it to see how well
you did: what has had to be postponed until next week
and what can be carried over until tomorrow. By all
means cross off what is completed as you go along— the
blacker the pencil the better, that is half the satisfaction
of keeping a list. You may want to keep a running list
as well as a daily one. In either case, be sure to keep
it flexible and revise it often.

Other lists and inventories can help bring office ef-
ficiency into the home. Part of being well organized is
to know exactly what is in the freezer or who has bor-
rowed the latest whodunit, but few of us can keep such
facts in mind without some written reminder. Lists of
books you or your children would like to read are help-
ful too. A family reading list will make it possible for
you to suggest books to your children when they ask,
and may also serve as an aid to scheduling your own
reading. You may seldom find time to read anything
but the headlines, but at least you will know what to
pull off the library shelf if the opportunity does arise.
Lists of recurring expenses and a carefully maintained
record of major expenses, past or future, will prove
useful when you make up your budget as well as when
you are tempted to use this week's paycheck on some
unbudgeted extra. Any insurance man will advise you
to keep lists of household furnishings and costs in the
event that you have to prove a loss due to theft or fire
or other damage.

Planning for the Family 161

You may also want to consider other office methods
and equipment to provide a well-organized approach
to domestic life. There is no need to turn the living
room into an office, but somewhere in the house a real
working desk is an essential. In it, or nearby in a file
drawer or cabinet, you can keep lists and documents,
income tax figures, and all kinds of directions such as
how to maintain the power mower or wash the baby's
new blanket. Household bookkeeping will be more
businesslike if you recognize that a desk or file drawer
is the place to keep the books.

Even minor gadgets can add to the efficiency of the
home. How many households own a pencil sharpener
that really sharpens? Surprisingly few; and yet this can
be extremely handy in a location that is convenient to
all members of the family— except perhaps those small
members who are fond of dumping the shavings out
on the floor. Other inexpensive gadgets which are com-
mon to the office and make valuable additions to your
well-run household include clipboards for current
marketing and work lists; bulletin boards; a stapler or
two; and plenty of Scotch tape. Rubber name stamps
may help; a paper cutter is not to be overlooked when
your children are of scrapbook age; and paper clips,
rubber bands, and all manner of office trivia will prove
useful if you keep them in a central spot, such as the
desk.

Once well-laid plans are carefully organized and put
into motion, we may feel that at last we can rank as
model husband or housewife. But one thing remains

162 Running a Happy Family

as an important part of budget making or vacation
scheduling. This is making sure that the results of our
efforts conform as nearly as possible to our original
plan. We must check, regulate, test and verify our or-
ganizing to be certain that as we go along with this
budget or schedule we really are keeping within its
confines. We must look at the bank balance— if any— at
regular intervals, and try to keep all creditors happy
while adhering to our economic plan for survival.

In order to exercise control over an established
scheme for running the home, we may want to set up
some kind of steppingstones which we can reach along
the way toward completion of a successful plan. Mother
knows enough to check the roast in the oven now and
then, and Father makes sure that there is enough gas
in the car for the weekend jaunt; but do they also know
in advance how they are going to keep the budget in
balance, control expenditures, find the time to main-
tain such an extensive vegetable garden, and really keep
track of the family situation in general? Everyone in the
family has to realize the part he should play in making
a plan for a family project or summer vacation a reality.
This goes beyond good organization on the part of one
parent. It is necessary to get everyone in the family
interested in carrying out the plan. This may mean
looking into the actions of other members of the family,
checking their performance, and comparing their re-
sults with what has been planned. Whenever necessary,
one parent may have to put a firm foot down, as would
be the case if Father were tempted to buy a new

Planning for the Family 163

tweeter for his hi-fi set just when the down payment
is due on the summer cottage.

In administering the well-run household, we see
that all our recommended techniques of listening to
others, conferring with the family, delegating, and
communicating with understanding may come to
nought if at the same time we do not have in operation
some sensible and workable day-to-day and long-range
plans. We may work hard to have a beautiful home in
which everything is always tidy and a piping-hot dinner
served on time each night. But what good is this if we
cannot stay within the budget, or if we go to pieces at
the thought of trying to give up one afternoon a week
to work at the Red Cross? What kind of well-rounded
existence is this? Time is the essence of all good plan-
ning, and the successful housewife should have not only
an orderly home but also time for outside activity and
some recreation and reading as well. To accomplish this
she must work together with all the family to apply
effective methods of planning and organizing to her
home.

IX

Family Development:
Guiding, Coaching, and Advising

LET us NOW TAKE a look at what happened at our house
recently. The scene opens with Father returning home
hot and tired, after battling the Friday evening traffic.
Just about everything that could go wrong at the office
had done so this day. His usually even-tempered boss
had failed to exercise his best managerial techniques,
and so on down the line. As Father enters, he catches
sight of his children sprawled around the living room
reading comic books.

"I thought we had decided you kids weren't going
to waste your time reading those junky comics."

No reply.

''Haven't we bought you enough good books? Seems
as though we've talked ourselves blue in the face, trying

164

Family Development 165

to get some decent reading habits started around here."

"Yeah, Dad."

"Hi, Dad."

"Hello, Pop."

"Well then, let's do something about it. Come on,
now. Up on your feet. Let's get rid of that trash. Why
aren't you helping your mother? And how about home-
work? Get moving!"

Mother enters. "Hello, dear."

"Do you see what the children are reading? Why
can't you keep this trash out of the house?"

"But Henry, I told them they could read until sup-
per. Besides . . ."

Father's voice grows louder. "I'll bet their homework
isn't even started. And look at Jimmy! Why does he
have to sprawl all over the new slipcovers? We paid
enough for them without having muddy feet all over
the place."

"But, dear—" Mother takes the plunge. She has been
enjoying a few quiet moments in the kitchen, preparing
supper without interruption. "I told the children they
could read them. They passed them out in school to-
day. And just stop and look a minute— Jimmy's wearing
his slippers. Come on now, you need some supper."

Father sputters and grumbles, but is finally persuaded
to sit down and read the paper until supper is ready.
The children have wisely disappeared, comics in hand.

With supper comes the more friendly atmosphere
which Mother had counted on food to provide. After
second helpings all round, Father reopens the conver-

166 Running a Happy Family

sation. "I guess I was sort of mean to you kids before
supper. What are those comics, anyway? Mother says
you got them at school."

"All about rockets and scientists and stuff."

"I'm supposed to write a report on them— it's part of
our homework."

"Gee, yes, they're neat."

Father grimaces. "Guess I was way off base. I'm sorry,
boys, I'm so anxious to have you read the right kind of
books and magazines that I just blew my stack when I
saw the comics. Guess I was hungry."

"They really are good comics, Dad. Maybe you'd like
to look them over."

"And we really weren't going to read them all night
—I still have some math."

Dessert is served, and peace descends. Are there con-
clusions to be drawn? They are all very simple:

1. The boys figured that Dad came home in a
grouchy mood, all right, but knew he'd get over it.
Mostly he's a pretty good guy around the house. He
just didn't understand about those comics.

2. Mother had learned from experience that food
would help.

3. Father himself was willing to admit that he had
been hasty and that he had taken his own bad mood out
on the boys. He cares so much about their reading and
study habits that sometimes it is difficult not to put on
too much pressure. Essentially, though, he admits that
they're good kids, and that they have done pretty well
this year on buckling down to homework.

Family Development 167

4. Our own conclusion is that it is not possible for
even the most well-ordered household to be one hun-
dred per cent efficient at all times, even in the field of
human relations. If Father or Mother goes off the deep
end once in a while in a burst of bad management,
this should not cancel out the benefits of all their pre-
vious attempts to maintain a harmonious household.
The main thing is to keep right on trying.

In business or in the home, the development of peo-
ple is accomplished through a combination of various
forms of supervision. These may include counseling and
guidance, encouragement through praise and proper
motivation, coaching, and appraisal and evaluation
after a job is done. Supervising is more than getting
work done through others. It goes beyond the good
planning and organizing necessary to effective manage-
ment. It is an active process, not effective in the hands
of the manager who leans back in his chair and lets his
people run his office or his household. Even in business,
supervision cannot be measured wholly in terms of fi-
nancial success. The good supervisor is aware of his
people and their progress as much as he is of the re-
quirements for him to produce a certain amount of
work.

The general aims of counseling and guidance are to
try to help a person to see his strengths and weaknesses,
and to figure out for himself how he can improve. This
entails more than the mere giving of advice. When our
children ask for help on questions of saving money or

168 Running a Happy Family

getting better marks, we are quick to offer advice. But
do we also give them the opportunity to work out the
answers for themselves? When we have finished talking
to them, have we left them with a firm resolve to save
regularly, or to get on the honor roll? A discussion of
such questions is of little lasting value to a child if we
fail to be specific and pinpoint the problem. In doing
so, we should try to avoid interference from side issues
and personalities. Jerry's marks are not to be blamed
entirely on "that awful teacher" or on his recent case
of measles. What about his recent accomplishments or
lack of same? Try to base the discussion on facts and
matters of record. Look over his school papers and the
last report card; have him recall the recent times when
television interfered with homework. Do not dwell too
long on poor past performance, but use such references
to start him thinking about how he can improve.

To be effective, counseling must be positive. We
should express as often as possible our confidence in our
children and their ability to progress. The constant
threat of: "You'll never get this right" or "How do you
expect to learn it that way?" will not produce results.
Let the child tell you what is wrong; get him to rate
himself if possible; then try to agree together on a
course of action. It is particularly important that such
discussions be constructive and that their results be
mutually agreed upon. The more the child can be
drawn out to contribute his ideas and suggestions the
better. In fact, the degree of success which comes from
this type of supervision will be directly related— in an

Family Development 169

inverse ratio— to the amount of talking, scolding and
dictating you do. The techniques discussed in Chapter
III on correcting other people apply here, too. Em-
phasis on the future instead of the past, the reassurance
of help, and a plan for a follow-up are all part of your
job as the family supervisor.

Problems of motivation and morale are often dis-
cussed in business. How do you make people want to
work, and enjoy it when they do? How do you get
groups to work happily together? These are questions
the business manager must face. Sooner or later he will
realize that unhappy or resentful workers are not going
to produce as well as those whose morale is high, even
though the results may be adequate to keep the busi-
ness running.

At home we may overlook the fact that children too
will do better at school and around the house if they
have the proper stimulation. When the atmosphere of
the home is one of understanding and co-operation,
they will respond more willingly both to emergencies
and to everyday demands. People of all ages need ap-
preciation and praise, as well as an assurance of support
from above. In the parent-child relationship even more
than in business it is important to assure a child that
we have faith in his abilities, his judgment, and his
future. This may be difficult when Bill has just started
a fire in the neighbor's garage, or Susan has stolen a
dime from the piggy bank of the little boy upstairs.
But try we must, and even in these difficult situations
our criticism should be tactful, constructive, and above

170 Running a Happy Family

all private. It is important for a child's morale that he
be assured of support even when he is at fault.

Encouragement is a necessary part of supervisory re-
sponsibility. Industry has found it essential to take an
interest in its workers and to let them know how im-
portant each one is to the company. At home too, par-
ents should recognize the need for individual and group
discussion of school work, home projects, outside sports
and social activities. Personal consideration and en-
couragement for each child are vital. The result may be
disastrous if you pass out all the bouquets to Johnny for
his good report card, but have nothing good at all to
say to his sister. Surely you can think of something to
say to her, if only to assure her that she "belongs," that
despite reverses she is an important part of the family.
With proper encouragement even the lowliest sweeper
in the factory develops pride in his work and his con-
tribution to the business, and feels up until the day he
retires that "they really can't do without me." Your
children should have the same feeling at home: that
they belong, that they occupy an important position in
the family— not that they are always underfoot, or that
you would prefer them to be "seen and not heard"
according to the outworn adage.

Praise is a big factor in bolstering morale and coun-
teracting fear of failure. Even when morale is high and
encouragement frequent, a dash of praise is the final
touch, the extra ingredient which brings out the full
flavor of the developmental stew. Parents should com-
pliment whenever possible. They should try to find

Family Development 171

something to praise in even the youngest child or the
poorest worker, no matter how hard they have to search
to find it. We do not mean to advocate constant flattery
or hollow praise, just that you look for the good rather
than the bad or the incomplete, and give credit when
and where it is due.

All the encouragement and commendation in the
world will not produce results if we fail to set a good
example by actually working at a job ourselves instead
of directing it from the comfort of our favorite arm-
chair. Industry has found that classroom discussion and
textbook training can only supplement on-the-job su-
pervision or coaching. This does not mean that the
shop foreman runs through the whole operation for
each new man and then leaves him to be on his own.
Good coaching allows plenty of opportunity for the
worker to perform, with the foreman in the role of
guide and coach. Parents should give some thought to
how they bring their children along in sports, games
and household skills. Father cannot teach the boys how
to kick a football from the living room. On the other
hand, if when he steps outside he proceeds to do all the
kicking himself, he is not going to be very successful
either. He must give the boys the opportunity to per-
form themselves, and try not to grab the ball away to
demonstrate every time they get off a poor kick.

Coaching can be either a team or an individual effort.
The main thing is that an atmosphere of mutual con-
fidence and respect should be established. Certainly,
Father, the boys know you can kick the ball better and

172 Running a Happy Family

farther than they. But how do they feel about your
willingness and ability to pass on your knowledge to
them? What kind of a goal are you giving them to shoot
for if you get off your best punt since leaving Central
High and tell them simply that this is the way to do it?
It is discouraging for your seven- and nine-year-old boys
to be faced with having to duplicate your best efforts,
whether they are in football, checkers, or a carpentry
project. Part of the coaching responsibility is to set up
reasonable standards for the young people and help
them to progress toward them.

At school the children are given a periodic appraisal
of their school work through report cards. Perhaps you
should think in terms of similar evaluations at home
once in a while. In this way you can do more than just
praise and encourage. You can offer guidance through
constructive interest in the work of the children. It may
be impossible to grade your children on everything they
do, but occasionally you might want to take an objec-
tive look at Ralph's lawn mowing and discuss it in
terms of his and your expectations. Appraising people
in accordance with their performance is a continuing
process. All of us, consciously or unconsciously, apply
our standards to practically everything done by those
with whom we come in contact. So why not make it
official every now and then, by grading Ralph in Sixth-
grade Lawn Mowing, and talking to him about it?

One approach to this rating of work performance
which has been tried successfully in business is to let
people evaluate their own accomplishments as a means

Family Development 173

of introducing a constructive discussion of the job. Per-
haps by letting Ralph tell us how he thinks the lawn
mowing is going, we may find it easier to make any
necessary corrections and improvements. Such a dis-
cussion should take place while the job is being done
or immediately after it is completed. How does Ralph
think the lawn compares with others in the neighbor-
hood? What can be improved? Let him know how you
feel and what praise or criticism may have been heard
from others. Letting him know how other people view
his work will make him more interested in trying to
improve. If you merely find fault, with comments of
"you missed a place" or "why didn't you trim the
edges?," the discussion will not be particularly helpful
to him— and you may find that you have to do it your-
self the next time, just as you did before he was big
enough to push the mower.

Up to this point we have been discussing some spe-
cific elements of good supervision, just as in earlier
chapters we talked about specific techniques of business
management that may be used at home. Now we want
to discuss home management from a different point of
view, in an attempt to point out that the application
of these various techniques should be a part of the de-
velopment of all members of the family, including the
parents themselves. In its broader sense, this develop-
ment is the process of establishing short and long-range
goals for helping the family to grow, and of striving to
reach them by means of a favorable attitude toward

174 Running a Happy Family

such growth and the creation of an atmosphere in which
it can take place.

In running a family, we have to think not only of
getting the task at hand completed pleasantly and ef-
fectively, but also of what our work assignments and
projects are doing to make us better people. Is Father
easier to live with now that he has worked out a better
scheme for cleaning out the garage or planning the
family outing? Does Mother get more satisfaction from
preparing meals now that she finds it is not a case of
shooing her children out of the kitchen, but of getting
their helpful support? And are the children doing less
squabbling now that they have learned to bring their
chief differences of opinion to be mediated at the
weekly family conference?

These are examples of the goals involved in our pro-
gram of using at home some of the human relations
techniques which business has found useful. We should
also look beyond such immediate objectives toward the
future. The effectiveness of the day-to-day supervision
of our children must be measured in terms of their fu-
ture development: the type of adults they will become;
the successes or failures they may have as they grow up.
Our efforts are confined to helping, guiding, and point-
ing the way. We cannot develop our children— this they
must do themselves.

Our attitude toward our children, toward their
schools, their activities and everything in their lives is
going to affect them more than any direct supervision.
Human relations skills carefully applied, and all the

Doris Matthews, Christian Science Monitor

"Now they are saying that if you teach them to inte-
grate with the group, they lose their individuality."

176 Running a Happy Family

lessons that we can learn from business, are mere sup-
plements to the day-to-day home scene as it influences
the children. A sporadic effort to be better parents or
an occasional reference to a book for a solution to a
specific problem will not go nearly as far as a continu-
ing effort to create the right atmosphere in the home.
We hope that this book will help, but it cannot be ex-
pected to correct impressions left on children who grow
up with feuding parents, profane or abusive fathers, or
whining, complaining mothers.

A vital part of the atmosphere of the home is pro-
vided by the example set by the parents in their at-
titude toward the world outside the home and toward
their own continued growth and development. Business
emphasizes that all development is self-development.
Certainly if an aspiring young man does not wish to
help himself to grow, all the textbooks and fancy train-
ing courses will teach him nothing. Whether we are
concerned with the businessman or the housewife, we
see that it is the person who has a lively interest in his
job, the community, and life in general who is con-
tributing the most to his own self-development. Such
a person has acquired the habit of never being satisfied
that the best possible job is being done. He manages
to keep abreast of new thoughts and ideas, and is will-
ing to take a chance on the new and untried.

People with inquiring minds may be criticized as
odd in that they do not always conform to established
or accepted standards. The housewife who is interested
in self-improvement may get carried away by her role

Family Development 177

of "do-gooder." She may become so active in com-
munity affairs that her motives are misconstrued. She
may overdo it, or be misdirected onto some peculiar
tangent. At the same time she is undoubtedly getting
more out of life than her friend down the road who
spends her waking moments keeping the living room
spotless, and letting off steam through compulsive
scrubbing and polishing, They may both use up the
same amount of energy, but our community-minded
friend brings home a mental stimulation and an en-
thusiastic interest in the outside world; whereas her
homebound friend is probably too tired at night to read
more than the front page of the local newspaper, and
may leave to her husband the whole tiresome business
of keeping informed. The role of the thinking parent
is to take part, to go beyond the mechanics of homemak-
ing in order to make a worth-while contribution to the
growth of both family and community.

Budgeting of time is one of the main problems of
self-development. We have talked about the business-
man who never has time for anything extra because of
the pressures of the job at hand, and who is baffled by
the success of his well-organized counterpart. At home
it takes both organization and self-discipline, plus oc-
casional neglect of the pots and pans in the sink or the
weeds in the garden, to make time to read beyond the
headlines; to study the recommendations of the local
authorities for changes in the schools; to investigate
the pros and cons of legislation at state or national
levels. It is not enough to have a few more facts than

178 Running a Happy Family

the people next door, or to gather a smattering of
knowledge to impress your friends at the church social.
Being well informed and willing to consider all sides
of a question is a source of greater satisfaction than the
knowledge that the beds are always made by eight
o'clock (A.M.) or that the children are always perfectly
groomed.

There is so much concern in business with the vol-
ume of reading required that many companies have in-
augurated courses to increase the reading speed of their
employees. At home we may think that we have only
enough time to read part of the daily papers, but once
again it is to be emphasized that with planning and
organization we can create the time for more reading.
Then we can make a broader selection of worth-while
books and periodicals which will help us keep up with
the world outside and at the same time provide pleasure
and relaxation.

The mental alertness of parents who are interested
in self-development is bound to be reflected in the at-
titudes of their children as they grow. However, it is
not enough to hope that some of your personality traits
will rub off on Junior, or be inherited by Sister. Pro-
gressive business organizations long ago abandoned the
notion that executives are born, not made. It takes
conscious effort on the part of supervisors, either at the
office or in the home, to develop people and prepare
them for the future.

Parents have a tendency to leave too much of this
developmental responsibility to the schools. When a

Family Development 179

child does not seem to be capable of making his own
decisions or thinking intelligently about his school
work or other activities, they may harangue the teach-
ers, or hastily transfer him to a private school which
has been recommended for its ability to teach young
people to make decisions and to develop good study
habits. We feel that this training is more appropriately
carried on at home. It is the job of the parents to instill
proper habits and attitudes, not the duty of the teachers,
who must cram a lot of subject matter into five or six
hours a day.

Children must be allowed to express their own ideas
and to participate in family planning and decision
making. At the same time they need some direction,
and must learn to respect authority. It is up to the par-
ents to make sure that their direction is helpful without
being too restrictive. The budding young man in busi-
ness who is given no room for expression of his ideas,
or time for independent thinking, will soon lose his
enthusiasm, or quit and go elsewhere. Business knows
that these failures are costly and may strip the organiza-
tion of its best potential talent. A forward-looking
management will try to strike a balance between in-
dividual freedom and authority. In the same manner,
parents must make a continuing effort to give their
children the challenge of freedom, to guide them to
think without trying to guide their thinking.

Parents must provide direction. They must use in-
sight and intelligence in determining the right course
of action for themselves and their children. They must

180 Running a Happy Family

be aware of changes in each individual child, and be
able to assess readiness for growth at every level. Only
in this way can they apply the understanding and guid-
ance which will provide the right kind of development
for the child and the most satisfaction for themselves.
A large responsibility? An enormous reward.

SUGGESTED ADDITIONAL READING

MAGAZINES

Advanced Management, The Society for the Advancement
of Management, Inc., 74 Fifth Avenue, New York, N. Y.

Business Horizons, Indiana University School of Business,
Bloomington, Indiana

Dun's Review and Modern Industry, Dun and Bradstreet
Publications Corp., New York, N. Y.

Factory Management and Maintenance, McGraw Hill, New
York, N. Y.

Harvard Business Review, Graduate School of Business Ad-
ministration, Harvard University, Cambridge, Mass.

Management Methods Magazine, Management Magazines,
Inc., Greenwich, Conn.

Nation's Business, Chamber of Commerce of the United
States, Washington, D. C.

Personnel, American Management Association, Inc., 1515
Broadway, New York, N. Y.

Personnel Journal, Personnel Journal, Inc., Swarthmore,
Penna.

The Journal of Communication, The National Society for
the Study of Communication, Albany, N. Y.

The Management Review, The American Management As-
sociation, Inc., 1515 Broadway, New York, N. Y.
181

182 Running a Happy Family

BOOKS

Allen, Louis A., Management and Organization. McGraw
Hill, New York, N. Y., 1958.

Argyris, Chris, Personality and Organization. Harper and
Bros., New York, N. Y., 1957.

Bursk, Edward C., ed., Human Relations for Management.
Harper and Bros., New York, N. Y., 1950-56.

Chase, Stuart, Power of Words. Harcourt Brace and Co.,
New York, N. Y., 1954.

Clark, Charles, H., Brainstorming. Doubleday and Co.,
New York, N. Y., 1958.

Drucker, Peter F., The Practice of Management. Harper
and Bros., New York, N. Y., 1957.

Effective Communication on the Job, The American Man-
agement Association, New York, N. Y., 1956.

Hayakawa, S. I., Language, Meaning, and Maturity. Har-
per and Bros., New York, N. Y., 1954.

Josephs, Ray, Streamlining Your Executive Workload.
Prentice Hall, New York, N. Y., 1958.

Keyes, Kenneth S., Jr., How to Develop Your Thinking
Ability. McGraw Hill, New York, N. Y., 1950.

Laird, Donald A. and Eleanor C., Delegating; How to Get
Things Done Through Others. McGraw Hill, New
York, N. Y., 1957.

Leavitt, Harold J., Managerial Psychology. University of
Chicago Press, Chicago, 111., 1958.

Lee, Irving J., How to Talk With People. Harper and
Bros., New York, N. Y., 1952.

Lee, Irving J. and Laura L., Handling Barriers in Com-
munications. Harper and Bros., New York, N. Y., 1956,
1957.

Murphy, Dennis, Better Business Communication. McGraw
Hill, New York, N. Y., 1957.

Suggested Additional Reading 183

Phillips, David C., Oral Communication in Business. Mc-
Graw Hill, New York, N. Y., 1955.

Steckle, Lynde C., The Man in Management. Harper and
Bros., New York, N. Y., 1958.

Thelen, Herbert A., Dynamics of Groups at Work. Univer-
sity of Chicago Press, Chicago, 111., 1954.

Urwick, Lyndall, The Elements of Administration. Harper
and Bros., New York, N. Y., 1943.

Index

abdication of authority, 89-90

abilities, special, 86, 95; varying,

99-100, 155
See also individual differences

accountability, for performance,
90; standards of, 95

action, agreeing on, 59, 64, 149;
assurance of, 113; independ-
ence of, 89, 95, 130; taking
necessary, 37-38, 45, 59

advice, 30, 41, 164-180

age, difference in, 21, 24

See also individual differences

agenda, 126, 132-134

agreement, how to reach, 37-40,
45, 49, 60, 64, 99, 138-139

analytical approach, to confer-
ences, 129, 133; to delegation,
96; to planning, 146-147, 150-
151; to problems of commu-
nication, 23, 29-30

appraisal, see evaluation

appreciation, see compliments;
praise

assignments, conflicting, 74-75
See also instruction; orders and
assignments

atmosphere, creating a favorable,
24-25, 44, 59, 89, 97, 169,
174-176

185

attention, importance of giving,

20, 113

authority, 49, 90, 179
autocratic leadership, 130, 134

background, differences of, 62-63
See also individual differences

being specific, importance of,
71, 77

blame, 57, 61

brainstorming, 135

budget, 149-151, 157, 160-163
See also money

business and industry, conferences
in, 129-130, 135-136, 139;
delegation in, 94; human re-
lations in, 7-8, 174-179; in-
formation giving in, 111;
planning in, 148-149

capacity, differences in, 77-78, 155
See also individual differences

coaching, 98, 164-180; on-the-job,
171

chain of command, 28, 75

climate, see atmosphere

communication, 13-30; aids to,
20, 22; barriers to, 21-28, 43;
"Do's and Don'ts" of, 20-22;
in delegation, 89, 98; in ex-
change of information, 111-

186

Index

119; policy on, 26-28; through
conferences, 129-130
See also information

community, 92; contribution to,
176-177

compliments, in corrective inter-
views, 55-56, 61; in develop-
ment, 170-171; in interviews,
44

conferences, 120-139, 174; "Do's

and Don'ts" of, 126-129
See also meetings

contribute, encouraging children
to, 64, 76, 127-139

control, see follow-up

correction, 30

See also corrective interviews;
discipline

corrective interviews, 50-64, 169;
definition of, 59; "Do's and
Don'ts" of conducting, 55-59

counseling, see guidance

criticism, fear of, 26; in correc-
tive interviews, 55-57, 61-62

deadlines, 78, 118, 158

decisions, 45; learning to make,
127, 179; of group, 134-135,
139; on policy, 130; participa-
tion in, 129-130, 179

delegation, 81-100; definition of,
90; "Do's and Don'ts" of, 86-
90; importance in planning,
155; in giving orders, 80; pit-
falls and precautions, 93-96;
principles of, 96-98

democratic process, 134

details, use of, 71, 78

development, of child, 22, 37,
41-42, 56, 86, 91-100, 126, 139,
155-163; of family, 164-180;
of self, 134, 176-180

discipline, 22, 30, 42, 59; delega-
tion of, 88, 94

See also correction, corrective
interviews

dividing the load, 73, 86-87, 91-

92
duplication of orders, 74

emotions, in corrective interviews,

63-64; in giving orders, 74; in

interviews, 42-43
emphasis, use of, 116
encouragement, in conferences,

127, 139; in development,

167, 170-171; in planning,

148; to participate, 64; to

talk, 37, 113
See also morale; praise
equipment, for conferences, 134;

in organizing, 146, 154-157
errors, avoiding, 56; correcting,

58; understanding, 56, 58
evaluation, 98-100, 172-173
example, set by parents, 110, 139,

171, 176
experience, differences of, 21, 24,

77
See also individual differences

facts, how to get, 41, 58

fear of reprisal, 21, 26

freedom of thought and action,

179-180
flexibility in planning, 146, 150,

160

Follett, Mary P., 61
follow-up, 71, 79-80, 89, 98, 148,

162-163
future, avoiding errors in, 56, 58;

effect of past on, 55

gadgets, office, 161
goals, 149, 151, 172-174

See also purpose
grievances, airing, 126; settling,

42

growth, see development
guidance, 73, 93, 98; general aims

of, 167-168, 171-172, 174, 179-

180; of conferences, 126-129;

role in development, 164-180

Index

187

haste, 73-74, 77, 110
human relations, 7, 57, 61, 73,
113, 174-176

incentive, see motivation

independence of action, 86, 89

individual differences, considera-
tion in delegation, 77-78, 95;
importance in conferences,
133; in capacity, 77-78, 155;
of age, 21, 24; of background,
62-63; of experience, 21, 24,
77; of personality, 24, 117,
133

information, changes in nature of,
114-117; exchange of, 114-118;
formal, 112; giving and get-
ting, 20, 23, 30, 41, 101-119,
177; loss of, 115-118; oral re-
lay of, 117

instruction, 30, 41, 74, 93

See also orders and assignments

interruptions, advantages of, 110-
117; disadvantages of, 39, 44,
72, 75-76

interviews, 30, 31-49; definition
of, 40; "Do's and Don'ts" of,
37-40
See also corrective interviews

Kerr, Jean, 27

Key thoughts, 44-45, 64

language, as a barrier to com-
munication, 21, 27

leadership, of conferences, 126-

128, 133-139
See also conferences

Life With Father, 130

listening, 13-30; in conferences,
127, 136-139; in corrective in-
terviews, 56-57, 63-64; in giv-
ing and getting information,
108; in interviews, 37, 44-49;
responses, 37, 44-49; skills,
46-49, 163

lists, use of, 160

management, development, 7, 139;

training, 7, 90, 148
mediation, 138
meetings, staff, 130-131

See also conferences
Milne, A. A., 49
"mirror," the, use as a listening

response, 47-48
money, handling of, 41, 167-168

See also budget
morale, 20, 30, 129, 169-170

See also encouragement; praise
motivation, 71, 78-80, 97, 167, 169

neighborhood, 61, 118-119, 131-

133

news, exchange of, 118-119, 177
notes, taking of, 108-109, 115-116
Now We Are Six, 49

objective, see goals; purpose
open mind, 56, 63-64, 138
orders and assignments, 30, 65-80,

174; "Do's and Don'ts" of, 71-

73

See also assignments, conflicting
organization, 148, 152-163, 177-

180; definition of, 154
overloading the most willing, 72,

75

participation, employee, 129-130;
in conferences, 126-139; in
decisions, 64; in setting stand-
ards, 88; through questions
and suggestions, 29

performance, job, 129; past, 58,
62, 168

personality, clashes, 42; differ-
ences, 24, 117-133
See also individual differences

personnel, use of, 146-147, 154-
155

perspective, 58, 64

planning, 20, 167, 179; definition
of, 149; "Do's and Don'ts" of,
146-148; for the family, 140-

188

Index

163; of conferences, 126, 132-

134

See also preparation
Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 27
point of view, common, 62; seeing

the other, 29, 30, 39, 138-139
policy, making of, 88-89, 126, 129,

130-131; of communication,

26-28
positive approach, need for, 21,

30, 55, 61, 73, 78, 80
praise, 100, 167, 169-173
See also compliments
preparation, for conferences, 126,

132-134; for giving orders, 74,

79; for interviews, 37, 43-45
See also planning
privacy, importance of, 43-44
projects, 130-131, 150
punishment, fear of, 21, 26, 59, 62
purpose, 56, 80, 97; of conferences,

126, 129, 132, 136; of correc-
tive interviews, 59-62; of in-
terviews, 37, 40-42

See also goals

questions, asking, 39, 109, 116-117,
128-129; encouraging, 20, 29;
key, 43; open and closed, 48-
49, 64; use in conferences,

127, 138

reading, 178-179

repetition, use of, 47, 108

reprisal, see punishment

resources, best use of, 147, 154-
158

responsibility, delegation of, 89-
90; developing sense of, 61,
86, 90-91; for family develop-
ment, 178-180; for keeping
informed, 118-119; limits of,
88; of conference leader, 135;
retaining, 90, 95; sharing. 86-

87, 91-92; varying degrees of,

87

review, encouraging, 28, 29, 100
Rockefeller, John D., 90
rules, establishing, 132

schedules, 125, 132-133, 149, 152,
158-160; changes in, 118

schools, 24, 130, 168, 178-179

security, lack of, 26

Smith, Robert Paul, 49

sportsmanship, 41

standards, 150; of accountability,
95; of performance, 88, 97, 99,
172

statements, key, 43

status, 25

stimulation for development, 169,
177

study habits, 56, 179

suggestions, encouraging, 20, 29

supervision, as part of develop-
ment, 167, 171, 173-174; in
planning, 148; mother-hen
brand, 89

talking, 13-30

teamwork, 87, 91, 97

time, use of, 44, 147, 155, 158, 163,
177-180

timing, in communication, 21, 28:
in giving orders, 71, 76; of
conferences, 126, 134; of inter-
views, 38-39, 43-45

understanding, 13-30

visual materials, use of, 116, 137
voting, 125, 127, 135

weaknesses, overcoming, 95; recog-
nizing, 155

Where Did You Go? Out. What
Did You Do? Nothing, 49